Beat: My Life

[oddjob]

wow, lurker i, along with everyone else here, have no clue what you are going through. the only thing i can offer is my own experience with this. i don't know if i've shared this with anyone, or if it will help in anyway.

i'm currently 33. i've been very depressed lately. occasionally the thought of suicide enters my mind, but i know i won't do it. mostly from my previous experience with this.

when i was 25, there was a year, probably longer, where a day didn't go by when i didn't think about ending my life. although i'm not close to my family, i had many many good friends, that i still i felt i couldn't talk to.

they wouldn't understand, i don't want to burden them with this, they'll just feed me a bunch of [censored] i know isn't true, yada yada yada. you may know what i'm talking about.

the way i can explain this feeling was, and it may sounds stupid or cheesy, but whatever,

i felt like i was swimming in a big ocean in the middle of nowhere. i felt like everyone was. and some people are better swimmers then others. and some people, such as myself struggled to just tread water. so while my friends were all swimming away from where i was, they were such good swimmers, and getting so far away, that they couldn't see that i was struggling. they'd look back, wave, and call for me to catch up, but couldn't really see me anymore.

so life just felt like i was barely keeping my head above water, and i didn't think i could keep just treading water forever, that eventually i would get too tired and just drown in the future, or i could just stop paddling, and drown then. see to me, it wasn't even "suicide". it was just me stop paddling.

i do know, the last thing i was looking for was sympathy. i was looking for empathy. i coudln't imagine anyone i knew, who could possibly understand what i was feeling. i just imagine them saying, [censored] to boost my ego for that moment, then forget about me again.

well, i knew i needed help, cause i really did want to see how this life thing turned out. it was like a bad movie i was teetering one staying and watching out, or walking out.

i found some online suicide help thing, which i can't remember the name of at all. it wasn't some chat room. you sent an anonymous email. then they would reply. it was usually just a once a day reply, which i thought was weird at the time, but looking back, i think it helps. it makes you take that 1 day to think about the stuff you're dealing with, and the stuff you are reading from them.

it was just nice to have this anonymous ear, to listen to my [censored] that was going on, without them passing judgement, or offering some sort of stupid, but you're a great guy, kinda thing. cause they didn't know you (it was a new person ever day) and you knew it.

i did this for a while, and there wasn't some moment of epiphany, where i was completely better, but after a while, i just started feeling a bit better, day by day. i really think that helped.

Lurker, i really hope you figure out what's going on. i hope you feel better, and please get help. there's no timelines, so please try everything that's available to you.

p.s. i just googled, and i'm pretty sure this is what i used:

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

[Lurker.]

well someone called the cops. they came into my house this morning at 5 am, for some reason i wasn't surprised. Might have been MS, might have been pokermom, could have been anyone, might have saved my life. Thanks for talking to me MS last night. I talked to a number of doctors at the hospital (just got back an hour or two ago) and they've taken me off the prozac.

I'm going to my psychologist at 2 this afternoon to hopefully help sort things out. Thanks for the support guys.

[Suigin406]

good to see u responding here lurker and even better to see u'll be talking to someone about this, don't worry man, things will get better

[oddjob]

good luck and feel better.

[Rythm]

Wow. Reading this thread was so scary that I don't even know what to say. I know that may seem ridiculous considering that we've only been talking on AIM for a while, but I was worried sick that someone who knew you IRL would have already posted that it was too late. Like some of the other posters, I've seriously considered suicide several times. I think what stopped me was knowing how hard it hit me when my father killed himself, and not wanting to put my loved ones through that. That was probably the worst feeling I've ever experienced, and we weren't even that close.

Anyway, I'm not trying to guilt trip you into changing your mind, because what I could've said to possibly do that has already been said in this thread. I know that I like talking to people with whom I have little to no history, because it feels like they can't judge me as much without that history. If that's the case for you too, or you just want to talk to me anyway for some reason, you know I'm usually on AIM so just send me an IM. I like talking to you and probably won't have anything in particular to do anyway. It seems this turned into quite a rambling post, so I'll quit now. I just wanted to say that I'm glad you're alive and I'll try to be here for you in whatever way I can.

[yoyowhoawhoa3]

Everyone knows, if you tell people you are going to kill yourself you aren't. This was a cry for attention, albeit a weird one. Good luck I guess.

[entertainme]

I did contact the police Jake after talking to the people at 1-800-SUICIDE. Another poster did too. (I'll let them decide if they want to identify themselves.)

Bottom line is this. If I were your Mom or Dad, and my kid was going through this, I 100% without question want the cops knocking on my door in the middle of the night.

When people can't see anything but the pain, they need the people in their lives to intervene for them. I'm happy that it's out in the open and you're on the road to getting the help you need.

No need to fight this Boss Battle on your own. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

You might not feel different today or tomorrow, but looking back on a life twice as long as yours I can say that you will feel different sometime in the future if you hang in there.

PM me any time, even if you just want to cuss me out for doing it.

The Poker Mom

[swingdoc]

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Everyone knows, if you tell people you are going to kill yourself you aren't. This was a cry for attention, albeit a weird one. Good luck I guess.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ban this asshat. [img]/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img]

[yoyowhoawhoa3]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Everyone knows, if you tell people you are going to kill yourself you aren't. This was a cry for attention, albeit a weird one. Good luck I guess.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ban this asshat. [img]/images/graemlins/mad.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]

Why? My post wasn't an attempt to be mean, and if it was I apologize. I just have a different stance on suicide and know many people who have used it for attention. Not saying lurker did, but I think he wanted people to reach out to him more then anything, not kill himself.

[SmokeyRidesAgain]

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