Weighty issue I feel powerless to handle (Longest Post Ever OMG)

[KJS]

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Microbob:

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I get the impression that he's not really in this for the drama and would be MUCH happier if they could just be happy together and she could introduce him to her parents like a normal GF would and their relationship could proceed like normal.


I also am not sure about the idea of telling him to cut his losses right-away. Maybe there's something to that.
But the dude's in love so that just doesn't strike me as a realistic option at this point.

They do need to have some extended real time together without the other drama-stuff to learn better if they are the real deal though.

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yes yes yes yes.

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Anyway, I see that recently this thread has taken a bit of a turn to the direction I anticipated (and believe me, a direction I fully sympathize with), which is the instruction to get out. But let me do my best to steer it back if possible, based once again on this statement from my OP:

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And I know some of you may be thinking “give it up, dude, she’s nuts, her family is nuts, and you need to find someone else.” I understand that sentiment, but unfortunately that doesn’t help because a) I don’t really want to leave her; we have too good a time together… and b) that wouldn’t solve her situation at all. The question isn’t whether or not I should stick with her – that’s beside the point. It’s how can I, if possible, help to prevent the imprisonment and selling out of a woman who doesn’t deserve to be abused by her family like this.

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Maybe she and I will split up; maybe we won't. That's for us to decide. But what I'm hoping you guys can do -- based on experiences you've had with similar situations, and knowledge about Chinese culture (as many great posts have granted thus far) -- is shed some light on what's going on with her family and what might be done to prevent her from completely submitting to the will of unreasonable parents.

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Your eagerness to focus on this point, despite your own personal involvement with her, makes it seem like this is what you must like the most about her: the fact that she needs saving.

Worth thinking about why that is.

KJS

[SonofDjugashvili]

I have only just started reading this thread, but being Russian, I will offer the following - if these people were Russians, and $$$ was involved, I would worry for your safety. Seriously, do you know if the 'Boss' is 100% clean? You are an inconvenience - in certain cultures (like mine), the little inconveniences are easily disposed of. I know this is USA not Moscow, but before you do anything rash, consider personal safety. Small chance, but... Second, as I am sure many people will say, this is 'May's' decision - don't do anything because you want to be the knight in shining armour - if you step in, you are committed to marriage? Are you sure you want this? If there is any doubt, let her sort it out on her own.

[dknightx]

PJ entering the scene is only going to piss off the mother more. If May is to convince the mom that this is not something she wants, it SHOULD NOT be because of a white guy she likes (even if it is true). The mom's request is rediculous enough in this day and age that May should be able to make some argument without bringing PJ into it. Plus to the mother, it will only infuriate her more and cause her to further insist on the arranged marriage.

[MicroBob]

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Your eagerness to focus on this point, despite your own personal involvement with her, makes it seem like this is what you must like the most about her: the fact that she needs saving.

Worth thinking about why that is.

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Yeah, probably.
This is 100% about PJ and what he's going to do about it because it's about whether the girl he's totally in love with is going to marry some other guy.
When I say 'what he's going to do about it' I'm not talking about running up to the family and intervening and somehow saving everyone and convincing them of the flaws in their ways.

I'm more talking about it's 100% about him in how he is going to go about emotionally supporting May in hopefully trying to take a stand against her Mom and whether he is going to stay with her.

Other than perhaps trying to talk sense into May that she needs to be a grown-up now there doesn't appear to be anything he can do to help her or the family.

It's clear that speaking up to her parents about this clearly IS an option. It's just one that May is unwilling to take and is too intimidated about.


One thing I'm confused about:
Why is it surprising that her parents haven't figured it out after she spends 3-4 nights a week at your place?
Does May otherwise live at her parents' house?
If so then where the hell do they think she is going?

[egj]

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Yes, I've urged her to talk to her mom, but she reiterates that saying such a thing would come across to her mother as being selfish and ignoring the family's best interests.

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Well, keep hammering. It's absolutely what she needs to do, as you know. Maybe if you badger her enough, she'll do it.

Maybe you can persuade her just to raise some "concerns" with her mother, or to express some worries she has; e.g., the Boss's age. That should seem less confrontational and "disobedient" than coming out and saying "No, I won't marry him.".

Of course, what you're really hoping is that the truth will come out and May will say exactly what she feels. But even if that doesn't happen, maybe the initial conversation greases the wheels...

[private joker]

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Your eagerness to focus on this point, despite your own personal involvement with her, makes it seem like this is what you must like the most about her: the fact that she needs saving.

Worth thinking about why that is.

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I don't really know to say this other than: No, that's not the case. Honestly -- it's the ONLY part about her (and our whole relationship) that I DON'T like. I'm not looking for someone who needs saving. But when I care about someone who happens to unfortunately need saving, then I guess I'll do what I can to help... and that's out of obligation, not desire. But I don't know how to "save" anyone (nor do I know if I *can*) because I'm not in the business of looking for it. That's part of what this thread is about; I don't like being in this position and am unsure how to handle it.

Bob:
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One thing I'm confused about:
Why is it surprising that her parents haven't figured it out after she spends 3-4 nights a week at your place?
Does May otherwise live at her parents' house?
If so then where the hell do they think she is going?

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She isn't close on a day-to-day basis with her parents. She has her own apartment. Her parents probably assume she's home alone whenever she's with me. If they know she isn't home, they don't care and just assume she's with friends. Mom isn't close with May. Mom evidently doesn't even care much what May's interests are or how she feels. She just wants the family to be taken care of, and when Boss entered the picture and offered to provide for cousins, siblings, parents, et al, at the small price of mom's daughter, then Mom realized "wow, what a deal! Sold! Now let me find the girl and toss her your way ASAP; wasn't doing me much good anyway."

One thing that disturbs me is that Mom doesn't seem to love May at all. But May, because the filial piety virtues have been ingrained in her, feels the need to honor and obey a woman that doesn't care much for her in the first place. If May has a problem here, it's martyr syndrome.

[TheWorstPlayer]

Marry him and kill him. Then go back to dating you. Works out best for both of you.

[gumpzilla]

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Marry him and kill him. Then go back to dating you. Works out best for both of you.

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This looks like you're writing advice to somebody with multiple personalities.

[private joker]

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Marry him and kill him. Then go back to dating you. Works out best for both of you.

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This looks like you're writing advice to somebody with multiple personalities.

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Still a great play:

1) let girl sell herself to rich old dude
2) kill old dude
3) ???
4) profit

[dknightx]

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One thing I'm confused about:
Why is it surprising that her parents haven't figured it out after she spends 3-4 nights a week at your place?
Does May otherwise live at her parents' house?
If so then where the hell do they think she is going?

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She isn't close on a day-to-day basis with her parents. She has her own apartment. Her parents probably assume she's home alone whenever she's with me. If they know she isn't home, they don't care and just assume she's with friends.


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whats so suprising about this? seems pretty standard to me.

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Mom isn't close with May. Mom evidently doesn't even care much what May's interests are or how she feels. She just wants the family to be taken care of, and when Boss entered the picture and offered to provide for cousins, siblings, parents, et al, at the small price of mom's daughter, then Mom realized "wow, what a deal! Sold! Now let me find the girl and toss her your way ASAP; wasn't doing me much good anyway."

One thing that disturbs me is that Mom doesn't seem to love May at all. But May, because the filial piety virtues have been ingrained in her, feels the need to honor and obey a woman that doesn't care much for her in the first place. If May has a problem here, it's martyr syndrome.

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how much of this is based on what May has told you vs what youve determined based on your own analysis? just curiuos, as you seem to be making some strong accusations.