Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too) - Page 10

tpir · #91 09-26-2007, 02:26 PM

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Shouldn't we be comfortable enough in a perfect relationship that we don't need constant, or even regular, contact?

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1. Who says you should "need" it? If my partner is my best friend, which I certainly hope he is, I miss him when he's not around. I want to tell him about my day. I want to know how he's doing.

2. There is no perfect relationship.

3. If you are having relationships with people where you're just as happy when they're not around, why go to the bother of being in them? If I'm sacrificing sole custody of the remote control, I'd better strongly prefer his presence to his absence.

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Great points. I guess I am hung up on #3 since I am extremely happy being by myself in most situations. Is this a personality flaw that I should look into killing?

(I am mostly throwing stuff out for discussion as I read so don't take my questions and/or doubts personally or as a sign that I am retarded. Devil's advocacy, etc. Although, I may in fact be retarded.)

KotOD · #92 09-26-2007, 02:38 PM

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If you're no longer in love, you're no longer intimate and you know this, there is no relationship. End it and move on to something engaging. Life's too short to be placid and flaccid.

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Hmmm. So, say I marry someone, we are in love and intimacy is A++. Then she gets disfigured in an accident and I am no longer attracted to her at all. Break it off? There was a thread about this not long ago.

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Eventually, the relationship is going to fall apart. It might be ugly, but it's true. Of course there are exceptions, so don't freaking post the marriage photo of the Marine that came home from Iraq.

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Clearly sex is of some importance, but I feel like you are coming up with reasons to justify your own (hyper?)sexuality.

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I might be a bit over the top with my exhortations, but it's because a sex life in marriage is not openly talked about as a reason for success or stressed as a reason for success nearly enough. So many "experts" and media types are completely focused on turning marriage into a 24/7 psychological evaluation and treatment exercise.

You forgot to tell your husband that you were invited to and are going to a dinner party at one of your friend's house on Friday night. "Understand why he may be upset, talk to him about it and express your feelings that doing this is important for you and allow him to tell you what he is feeling." Uh, sure. Do you really want him to get over having to go to that dinner party that caused him to cancel his plans to sit on the deck and smoke a cigar with a glass or three of bourbon Friday night? Give him roadhead tomorrow night. He'll be the life of the dinner party. You want her to get over being an hour late because of an extended happy hour? Apologize sincerely and then later do the candles, pillows and music me love you very long time. She might ask you to stay late at happy hour next week. VR was right - sex smooths over all of the rough edges.

I've watched three marriages of friends fall apart because of a lack of intimacy or general laziness towards each other. Strangely enough, two of them were because the dudes packed on weight, let themselves go, got lazy and didn't really try to make things work. They were still faithful and devoted and worked hard, but it was like "I scored a wife, I don't have to pay attention to my appearance or her needs!" They were both cheated on and were SHOCKED! SHOCKED! that it happened. The third one - the wife just closed up shop once they were married. They had sex once a month, if that, and she was SHOCKED! SHOCKED! when he cheated on her. She was still a "good" wife - in all but one area.

It's frightening what people going through a divorce will tell you.

KotOD · #93 09-26-2007, 02:40 PM

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I think some of you are missing the point. It's more about the passion you feel than the number of times you may or may not have sex.

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That's why I qualify it with "great" sex. An underlying piece of great sex is passion, unless there are twins, a gallon of lube and a trapeze bar. And looking at it the other way - if you are in a passion-filled relationship, you're going to have great sex frequently.

slim · #94 09-26-2007, 02:41 PM

Is it possible that you are now saying you never had this passion/attraction for your ex-fiancee bc you had an emotional affair with this other girl? Often times when someone has an affair,even non-sexual, they magnify all the negatives and minimize the positives of their partner and vice versa with the affair partner.

Anacardo · #95 09-26-2007, 02:42 PM

VR,

You're really speaking to me here. Butter-related conflict has been the irresistible force that has torn my relationships in two, time and time again. Not just with women, but with friends, family, and even in the workplace. [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] Land O' Lakes [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] unsalted [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] microwave for :08 to spread WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

KotOD · #96 09-26-2007, 02:45 PM

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Shouldn't we be comfortable enough in a perfect relationship that we don't need constant, or even regular, contact?

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1. Who says you should "need" it? If my partner is my best friend, which I certainly hope he is, I miss him when he's not around. I want to tell him about my day. I want to know how he's doing.

2. There is no perfect relationship.

3. If you are having relationships with people where you're just as happy when they're not around, why go to the bother of being in them? If I'm sacrificing sole custody of the remote control, I'd better strongly prefer his presence to his absence.

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Great points. I guess I am hung up on #3 since I am extremely happy being by myself in most situations. Is this a personality flaw that I should look into killing?

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Not at all - you'll end up finding someone that gives you the alone time that keeps you happy. Maybe this will scare you -- I was the same way prior to meeting my wife.

otnemem · #97 09-26-2007, 02:54 PM

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Is it possible that you are now saying you never had this passion/attraction for your ex-fiancee bc you had an emotional affair with this other girl? Often times when someone has an affair,even non-sexual, they magnify all the negatives and minimize the positives of their partner and vice versa with the affair partner.

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No, I can think back to the first time we had sex and put my finger on the passion void.

slim · #98 09-26-2007, 03:41 PM

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Is it possible that you are now saying you never had this passion/attraction for your ex-fiancee bc you had an emotional affair with this other girl? Often times when someone has an affair,even non-sexual, they magnify all the negatives and minimize the positives of their partner and vice versa with the affair partner.

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No, I can think back to the first time we had sex and put my finger on the passion void.

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pic?

tpir · #99 09-26-2007, 03:56 PM

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Often times when someone has an affair,even non-sexual, they magnify all the negatives and minimize the positives of their partner and vice versa with the affair partner.

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This is called bias. People do it a million times a day every day about everything. I know where this is all coming from obviously, but, lol.

slim · #**100** 09-26-2007, 04:00 PM

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Often times when someone has an affair,even non-sexual, they magnify all the negatives and minimize the positives of their partner and vice versa with the affair partner.

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This is called bias. People do it a million times a day every day about everything. I know where this is all coming from obviously, but, lol.

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or justifying.....but it's hard to know u are doing it when you are in the situation