December's "You'll Shoot Your Eye Out" NC Chat thread

[Blarg]

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I think we need to soften it a bit. Give her the benefit of the doubt more. I'm in favor of dropping these 2 lines altogether

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I am also disturbed that I don't get any response to my last e-mail. And lets be honest, this whole year, we have probably only sent each other five e-mails total.

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If you want to keep the five emails comment maybe say something like - "hey girl, email me more often [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] I like hearing from you. It makes my day!"


I don't know, what do the rest of you guys think. Let's help Dave out here, he's been a valuable member of our community. Constructive help is needed.

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It doesn't sound like encouraging him to stay in the relationship would be helping him out at all.

[Kimbell175113]

Seems as though your best bet is just to leave her alone. She may decide to hit you up again in the future; the chance is small, but it's bigger than if you keep doing what you're doing, imo.

Not to mention that soon, with a little perspective, you'll probably realize that she's crazy and good riddance and what did you ever see in her anyway etc [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Just listen to Dom.

[daveT]

Okay. I could re-write like this:

Hello *****

*dammit, there is no way to end it. No way to just say goodbye. I guess long-term relationships are hard to keep, no matter the conditions.

Hello *****

*nope, that don't work either.

Hello *****

I decided that I am not calling you anymore. I do not feel that I have to spell out the reasons, as I believe the feelings are mutual, or rather, I am doing all of the work and you clearly don't give a two flying [censored].

*nope, that is not good either.

It's funny. Just about all of my friendships, I feel like I do most of the work, you know.

Hello *****

I realize that my life is [censored] up, and that in many ways I am [censored] up. As a good friend, I hope that you are not worrying, and I would not expect you to feel worry for me. It is best for both of us.....

*no, the martyr is never good.

Hello *****

Hearing from you over the past few years has been a joy in my life. I always looked forward to you and your thoughts. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a special girl, and I hope that you succeed and be happy in your life. I had a hope that I would be able to witness how your life turned out, and that the attachments that may have manifested would have matured in there proper directions.

I am no longer calling or writing. I feel that it is better for both of us to simply hold our memories as they are. I understand that you are creating a new world for yourself, and I understand that I am not able to be what I should promise.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and a bright light in what has at times been a dark world.

With love and best of wishes:
daveT.

[Blarg]

In four years, something sexual has to have happened.

Dom is right on all counts. Especially on this letter making you look not hot. It comes across more as whiny and sad and accusatory. Also, it sounds like you can't make up your mind. Basically, it paints you as thoroughly non-alpha, and that is hard to get back once you lose it.

Relationships develop needs that have to be met. You can't do that well unless you're in the room, whether you're there to create and reaffirm intimacy, have sex, give someone a hug or inject a little energy and fun into their day, or just be there physically as comfort and tangible proof to your partner that she is not alone. I don't think it's healthy to expect, or to have expected, much from this "relationship."

[daveT]

True, Blarg. I had a full four years to gather my life and get her out here. Nothing can, or should be expected.

[MissT74]

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I just wrote an upset e-mail but did not send it, but I kept it as a draft, because I really want to send it out.

Anyone besides me ever do this kind of thing?

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I did worse. I wrote a short story/essay on why I hated being married 2 months after the wedding. My husband found it 2 months later while fixing my computer. He was hurt, but it didn't have to do with HIM persay, just the institution of marriage.

5 years later we divorced. Finalized last month.

T

[Kimbell175113]

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[ QUOTE ]
I just wrote an upset e-mail but did not send it, but I kept it as a draft, because I really want to send it out.

Anyone besides me ever do this kind of thing?

[/ QUOTE ]

I did worse. I wrote a short story/essay on why I hated being married 2 months after the wedding. My husband found it 2 months later while fixing my computer. He was hurt, but it didn't have to do with HIM persay, just the institution of marriage.

5 years later we divorced. Finalized last month.

T

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1) LOZL
2) Ouch, that sucks, my condolences.
3) Enter it in the contest, LDO.

[Blarg]

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It's funny. Just about all of my friendships, I feel like I do most of the work, you know.


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I don't know if this is the case with you, but this is sometimes a bad sign. There are always some people who are more thoughtful and considerate than others, but it's not a market that it pays to monopolize.

If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you might be better off being more choosy about your friendships and not trying to force or increase the value of anything that doesn't already work well of its own accord.

Even if you're a really great guy, there's something in many people that turns away from those who are over-solicitous. Perhaps it makes them fear that they need to rise to that level themselves, and they might not be sure if they are able to or want to. Being too nice puts people under an implied pressure to reciprocate, and it may not be one they volunteered for. It can suffocate and even confuse and anger.

Your tone and emphasis in this thread have come across as a bit needy. Neediness combined with over-solicitousness can make being around a person with those qualities, however wonderful, feel like a trap and fraught with obligations. An attitude and outlook with more of a devil-may-care feeling and a letting 'em off the hook air can be much more relaxing to be around. And it can make you seem like you have more of a life and have other things going. Paradoxically, people may value you more when you appear to value them less. And they may treat you better if you don't always subject them to the pressure of being treated quite so well.

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Hello *****

Hearing from you over the past few years has been a joy in my life. I always looked forward to you and your thoughts. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a special girl, and I hope that you succeed and be happy in your life. I had a hope that I would be able to witness how your life turned out, and that the attachments that may have manifested would have matured in there proper directions.

I am no longer calling or writing. I feel that it is better for both of us to simply hold our memories as they are. I understand that you are creating a new world for yourself, and I understand that I am not able to be what I should promise.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and a bright light in what has at times been a dark world.

With love and best of wishes:
daveT.

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This is a little long and the dark world stuff sounds off point and self-pitying. The sentence about attachments and manifesting is not particularly fluid or clear. I think she already knows what your expectations might have been, anyway, so you gain nothing by reiterating them.
If you are going to write a note, I think it should be really brief and lay no blame on her for anything at all. Maybe something closer to:

Thanks for being a wonderful person and a bright light in my life. I will no longer be calling or writing, as I think our relationship has run its course, but when I think of you, the memories will be good ones. I'm glad that you are pursuing some of your dreams, and it's time for me to get started on my own. I hope we both get where we want to go and have fun getting there.

Always your friend,

Dave

Maybe that note isn't to your taste, but my basic point is that you want to keep things short and positive and make no accusations or guilt trip type things whatsoever.

[tarheeljks]

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If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, you might be better off being more choosy about your friendships and not trying to force or increase the value of anything that doesn't already work well of its own accord.

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i agree w/this statement as a general way of approaching all relationships whether they be platonic or romantic

[Dominic]

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Okay. I could re-write like this:

Hello *****

*dammit, there is no way to end it. No way to just say goodbye. I guess long-term relationships are hard to keep, no matter the conditions.

Hello *****

*nope, that don't work either.

Hello *****

I decided that I am not calling you anymore. I do not feel that I have to spell out the reasons, as I believe the feelings are mutual, or rather, I am doing all of the work and you clearly don't give a two flying [censored].

*nope, that is not good either.

It's funny. Just about all of my friendships, I feel like I do most of the work, you know.

Hello *****

I realize that my life is [censored] up, and that in many ways I am [censored] up. As a good friend, I hope that you are not worrying, and I would not expect you to feel worry for me. It is best for both of us.....

*no, the martyr is never good.

Hello *****

Hearing from you over the past few years has been a joy in my life. I always looked forward to you and your thoughts. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a special girl, and I hope that you succeed and be happy in your life. I had a hope that I would be able to witness how your life turned out, and that the attachments that may have manifested would have matured in there proper directions.

I am no longer calling or writing. I feel that it is better for both of us to simply hold our memories as they are. I understand that you are creating a new world for yourself, and I understand that I am not able to be what I should promise.

Thank you for being a wonderful person, and a bright light in what has at times been a dark world.

With love and best of wishes:
daveT.

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Dave? No letter. Just because you need closure does not mean she wants to hear about it. Just stop trying to keep this going.