Dealing with a loss (stillbirth)

[kitaristi0]

Suddenly having a losing session last night doesn't seem so important anymore.

[ajmargarine]

Poin,

I'm so sorry bro. I'll be lifting you and your wife up in prayer.

--aj

[HDPM]

So sorry for your loss. I want to say thanks for allowing his body to be examined. Our lives changed so much for the better a year ago with the birth of our son. But without the benefit of medicine my guess is that both he and mom would be dead. Only science, human rationality, technology and medicine made things OK. Anything that contributes to that is good. We had to make a decision, an easy one we thought, about treatment and the doctor was happy we made it easily. I asked her why she seemed pleased, it was easy and obvious. She said that many people had goofy ideas and would delay treatment, stuff like that. It just shocked me, and since having a kid I have even less patience than I did before for anything irrational that would harm somebody, especially a kid. I can only imagine what you are going through since I could hardly get through the post. Hang in there, thanks again for making a good decision that might help a kid someday.

[Georgia Avenue]

poin: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story was beautifully written and you mention writing more about the experience. I think it might be good for you to write as much as you can, not necessarily for this forum, or for any public consumption, but for yourself and your wife and your future understanding of this event--though I bet it would help others who've suffered through a stillbirth to read such a detailed and empathetic account. I have to exit this thread now before my boss catches me weeping again...
good luck sir
--GA

[Aces McGee]

poincaroux,

It's nothing that hasn't already been said, but this is a beautifully tragic post. I'm not sure how you were able to write it, since I -- like so many others -- struggled to even read it.

I frankly had no idea of the ordeal that parents of stillborn children must go through, and am both horrified and awed at your vivid descriptions of it. I've spent the last several minutes attempting to think of something that epitomizes "mental toughness" more than this, and nothing is coming to mind. That's my favorite thing about the human race, though; so often, when it is needed most, we go far, far beyond what we thought we were capable of.

You're doing the right thing, turning to family and friends for support. In the coming months and years, remember that there is no "statute of limitations" on how long you grieve. At some point, friends and family won't ask how you're "holding up;" you'll return to your routine and your day-to-day life will resemble something close to normal; and if you choose to, you'll have more children. But none of that changes the fact that this event will stay with you for the rest of your life, and, most importantly, your support system around you will be able to help you for the rest of your life. It's okay to lean on them for support years from now, when powerful grief resurfaces, which it will from time to time.

My deepest sympathies.

-McGee

[StukOnStupid]

poin,

I couldn't read much of your post. We had a baby born premature. She lived for a day. I don't want to talk much about it beyond that.

(If you are already seeing a therapist or counselor, you can disregard what I have to say below.)

I recommend you see a therapist/psychitrist, not because they will tell you anything that will make you feel better, but because you will find it helpful to "unload" your thoughts and emotions on someone who has *no* emotional or familial stake in the matter.

There are many thoughts and emotions that will come up that you must get off your chest but that you cannot burden your loved ones with. Being able to just tell someone what was on my mind without fear of hurting them, or scaring them was very helpful to me.

Also, if you are having unusual problems with grief, someone who deals with this professionaly will be able to recognize this and help you.

I only saw my therapist alone, never with my wife, I wanted to be able to say anything. I think this was important to me.

By the way, I am NOT someone who is a big fan of "therapy", but it really did help. I no longer see a therapist, but if things got really dammed up again, I would call her in a second.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[trickymartin]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[jsaund22]

Poin,

I have made multiple trips to the office bathroom today to shed tears for you and your family. I even made a special trip home to hug my wife and 16 month old. My family's prayers are with you. It really hit close to home because my cousin's wife had a miscarriage over the weekend.

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, but your post is one of the most touching things that I've ever read.

I hope you can find some measure of comfort from all the responses to your post.

[Chobohoya]

Poincaraux,

I am so sorry for your loss. While we don't know each other and have never interacted even on this site, your post was one of the most moving things I have ever read. You and your wife's incredible love for your son will be in my thoughts for a long time, I suspect. Despite your obvious personal strength and character, I know you will need all the help you can get, and I hope the outpouring of sympathy for you from this forum can aid your recovery.

I wish you and your wife the best in the future.

[Al6Jets18]

I can't really add anything to the responses, except to repeat that I am deeply sorry and wish you all the best in the future with any parenting endeavors that you and your wife may plan.

I don't really have much experience with situation, being that I am barely out of highschool, but if there is one thing I can advise, it is to talk. A lot. It seems that now, your friends and family are doing a superb job in providing a comfort zone for you. However, like some have said, many will in time interact with you in the same way they did before the tragedy. Even after a great deal of time passes, if you ever feel bothered at all, you can still talk and I'm sure that your caring family would understand. Never hesitate.

When I was 16, my dad and I noticed some signs of depression in my mom. We talked to her and found out she was still in grief about a stillbirth 16 years earlier. My would-be twin was all she thought about, she said. Talking to us helped her and now she is perfectly healthy. Also, do not hold this information from your kids (and if you think that I am making an assumption, I am not. I have faith that you will indeed have children someday). That incident was the first time that I found out that I was supposed to be a twin, and it hurt me very much, so much so that for a few days I (in retrospect, selfishly) did not help my mom and grieved alone. Tell your kids about this for two reasons. First, they will be hurt if you do not tell them the truth, as I said before, but they can also help comfort you in a way that no family member or friend can.

Once again, my sincerest condolences. Best wishes in all your future parenting attempts.