jokes you've made IRL that flopped

[Spacemoose]

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I'm on a date at the PNE (carnival style thing here in Vancouver) and we are in line for the roller coaster and some security guys walk by looking pretty touch. it's almost dark and they are all wearing shades.

She tells me she would never [censored] with any of those guys because they look really scary. So I tell her she's a wimp for being afraid of Corey Hart. She gives me the blank look that tells me I'm not interested in her anymore.

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expert

this is her failure, not yours

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yeah, I messed up the first time, this is why I don't post. I will continue my lurking ways now.

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Nah, you're fine, it fits the OP exactly, in that it flopped. I was just offering solidarity in that the flopping wasn't your fault. Please keep posting your humor.

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lol, alrighty then, my sarcasm meter is tuned a little too high from years of lurking OOT. thanks for the solidarity =)

/hijack

[Autocratic]

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For a lifelong class clown like myself, I am not sure I can even grasp how many of my jokes have bombed.

I do stand up, and some of it is intentionally very corny and I like to tell it at drunken parties. Usually the following joke gets a few laughs, but in a class of mine the other day where upon hearing I am a jokester it was requested I make a joke, it got nothing:

"When I was a kid I went out to Missouri, visiting my great grandparents. When I was there I saw a caterpillar museum, which seemed really crazy to me. I actually liked it a lot though, and I tried to go back a few years later, but it had turned into a butterfly museum." UGGh

Class of about 20 mostly just looked away, and one said "you seriously do stand up?" THIS guy is funny

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How is stand-up going, though? Do you do open mic nite stuff or paying gigs? I'm interested enough for an 'ask me about stand-up thread', if you haven't already.

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I've barely done enough to do commentary on it, just open mic at some very small places with about 25% of the crowd being friends of mine. Once I get rolling I could well start a thread. The weirdest part about it so far is that time I'd usually spend chilling out is now spent chilling out with a pen and paper next to me in case I think of some caterpillar-esque brilliance.

[catoandtonic]

While working as a server several years ago, three ladies sat in my section to eat. They started off sharing one salad between them. Then shared one appetizer, one entree and finally one dessert. During their meal, I was very friendly with them it seemed we had a good report going. When I brought out the check, I only included one mint, saying, "I figure you will just share the mint as well." I honestly meant it only as a joke, not trying to be rude at all. Still, nothing but cold stares.

A friend of mine and I make jokes about the others race to the other one as often as possible. He is Mexican and I am white. Neither of us are racist or believe the jokes we say to be true. A big part of the humor is making fun of the clicheness of the jokes. When I arrive at his house, he is on his way to his mailbox located on his curb. I enter through his front door into his hallway. I then yell very loudly so my friend is sure to hear, "Damn, smells like Mexican in here. Ever think of turning on the air conditioner?" I chuckle, then turn the corner into his living room with a large grin on my face, where there is two friends of his playing video games. One happened to be Mexican, and was noticeably disturbed by my comment, since he immediately stormed out of the house. The white guy next to him gave me a WTF look and shrug and followed his friend. I felt like a dick.

[bigt439]

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I make a lot of jokes that some people either consider over the line (generally involves race or some other stereotype) or they are very subtle/obscure references that just go over people's heads. I assume they are all hilarious and just chalk it up to people being dumb.

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Haha this is so true. If a joke of mine ever bombs I just think, damn I'm so much smarter than these people and then I feel okay again.

[TDouble]

A friend and I are sitting in an all-day company meeting. We're there to better understand the values of the company and blah blah blah. This exercise comes up where you choose a partner and give each other feedback about whatever. We're both in our mid 20's, rest of 75+ group is over 35 and from various nationalities, ethnic groups, etc.

Instructor asks me, "so why did you choose Kyle (my friend)?"

I answer really loud BECAUSE HE'S SO DREAMY

Friend laughs audibly, crowd is dead silent. Instructor w/o missing a beat goes to the next group and asks the same question. Facial expression never changes.

Brilliant!

[SoCalQuest]

A close friend was involved in a relationship with a married woman. After weeks of begging for anal sex, she finally obliged. As they concluded, she made her way to the bathroom and said "Oh God I'm bleeding".

Casually, he stated, "Don't worry, I know how to sew". Needless to say, this did not go over well with her.

[SoCalQuest]

This one also did not go over well with the intended audience.

A friend and I were in an elevator before class. A few girls who were also in the class got in the elevator at the next floor. My friend inexplicably faces me and I'm a bit confused. Only the expressions from those poor girl's faces could describe the disgusting odor.

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There are some really great lines in here. This has been one of my favorite threads in a long time. Here's my contribution:

This happened back in the day in 9th grade science class. We're watching a video on bacteria and the human body, etc. It's showing a clip of a housewife cleaning a bath tub with disinfectant when suddenly a spider crawls out of the drain and startles the woman. The narrator says, "Don't worry. It's just a common house spider. It can't hurt you."

And I go, "Unless it has a gun!"

Only me and my friend laughed. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[Phresh]

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yeah, something like "It's definitely yours, your dicks are the same size" would have been off the charts.

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This didn't get enough love.

[Black Aces 518]

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"When I was a kid I went out to Missouri, visiting my great grandparents. When I was there I saw a caterpillar museum, which seemed really crazy to me. I actually liked it a lot though, and I tried to go back a few years later, but it had turned into a butterfly museum."

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I actually really liked this one

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The thing with this joke is it needs to have that "I'm just telling a story" feeling. It doesn't work as a response to "Hey, Terry, tell us a joke!" I mean, obviously, if I am seeing a standup comedian I understand it's going to be jokes, but there's no contrast/exaggeration if it's explicitly laid out as a joke beforehand.

I think it's a quite solid joke.