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View Poll Results: Of the united states of America? | |||
Senator Bill Frist | 3 | 6.38% | |
Gov. Mitt Romney | 3 | 6.38% | |
Senator John McCain | 11 | 23.40% | |
Both senator and governer, I think-George Allen | 4 | 8.51% | |
gov. Mark Warner | 5 | 10.64% | |
Former First lady Hillary Clinton | 5 | 10.64% | |
I think it is someone else becuase I enjoy bieng wrong | 16 | 34.04% | |
Voters: 47. You may not vote on this poll |
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#1
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Bookstore Beat
My day began when I woke up (O RLY?), rolled out of bed, and ate a full half pound of pepperoni for breakfast. Washed down with a glass of milk, of course. Not quite standard, but not storyworthy by any means. I then went to my first couple classes, slept through them, and otherwise went about my day. Little did I realize a vile, uncontrollable beast was fermenting inside me.
Fast forward to midday, when I'm browsing my local bookstore. A cute employee, 21ish, 7/10, walks up to me and asks if I need any help. I say no, and move out of her way, but she follows me down the aisles inventorying as she goes. Now as many of you know, I have a girlfriend, but I'm not immune to flirting for a quick self-esteem boost. Unfortunately, by this time I was well aware of the trouble brewing, so I had to proceed with caution. I stop meandering and crouch down to look at a book on the lower shelf. She stops too, and I look up to catch her smile. "Whatcha looking for?" she asks. A thousand thoughts run through my mind at once. What the hell AM I looking for? Hey, she has a nice smile. Wait a second, is my small intestine trying to tell me something? How the hell does she get her teeth that white? I'm looking for a comedy book. Christ, what the hell is wrong with my stomach? Oh no... ...[censored]... ...it's coming. Whatever I do, I can't stand up right now. "Books." Smooooth one, pennpal. "Well, I mean, funny books. Ehrmm..." I have no idea what I'm saying. Something about an author maybe, or the weather, or poker, or socks. I don't even care, I'm just clenching my asscheeks together as well as I can and praying she loses interest. She smiles again. [censored]. "Let me help you up." I grab her hand, and against all my best instincts, slowly rise. "I don't normally talk to customers like this... My name's ________." I dont remember what her name was, nor do I ever want to remember. Because at that exact moment, it happened. To call it a fart would be like calling Hiroshima a firecracker. I actually felt this incredible heat eminating from my ass - it was like someone had just taken a hotpocket straight from the microwave and shoved it right up there. For all I know that's what it looked like, too; I sure as hell wasn't about to check. Her face was priceless. Wide eyed shock followed by an incredibly disguested gasp- then, surprisingly enough, a small smile? Could I salvage the situation? Unfortunately, that's when the smell hit us. We both reeled, eyes watering, faces scrunched. I think she even started to gag. Now I've smelled a lot of things in my life. Week-dead birds, burning flesh, getting hugged by homeless people--Yet I have never smelled something this horrible. I would rather be skull-[censored]ed with a barbed wire baseball bat than ever smell it again, and I'm sure she had similar thoughts. She turned and walked - no, ran - in the opposite direction, while I sat and basked in all my rank-ass glory. "Well," I thought, "at least I still have a girlfriend." Only then did I look down at the book I had absentmindedly picked up to browse. I ended up buying it - if I'm going to keep the girl I've got, I need all the help I can get. |
#2
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Re: Bookstore Beat
I knew this story was really headed somewhere when I read:
[ QUOTE ] and ate a full half pound of pepperoni for breakfast. [/ QUOTE ] PS--Please make Dickshit picture bigger, weees can't seees. |
#3
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Re: Bookstore Beat
Any story that includes the phrase "that's when the smell hit us" is pretty much guaranteed to be funny.
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#4
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Re: Bookstore Beat
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, brilliantly told.
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#5
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Re: Bookstore Beat
awesome. nh.
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#6
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Re: Bookstore Beat
That poor girl.
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#7
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Re: Bookstore Beat
Fantastic story! It brought tears to my eyes.
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#8
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Re: Bookstore Beat
POTM
p.s. dikshit: "this development has exciting implications" if u cant see it |
#9
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Re: Bookstore Beat
awesome - I LOL
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#10
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Re: Bookstore Beat
nh sir. well played.
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