NLTRN - My Tilt: Competitor trumps Brain, for now

[pokercurious]

I'm down 8 buyins today and I feel like flung monkey turds.

It's not the money that's the problem here - I'm not playing for tons of money, I'm playing to learn and improve (so I can eventually drive myself crazy playing for tons of money). It's the backwardness of how this system works - my brain just isn't set to feel emotions in the long run. My brain is set to hate losing.

But all you can do is maximize your EV, right? And in that regard, except for 2 tilty matches today, I think I've done a good job of that. I've managed to play the big pots in position and in control. I've been making (more often than not) +EV plays for stacks, but also consistently been reminded of the difference between +EV and chips on my side of the screen.

The Competitor in me is infuriated by this. Despite knowing that this is what winning in the long run requires, he is enraged by the unfairness of the immediate situation. Because in all the other kinds of competitive situations he's (I'm) used to, the competitors who plays better that week, that day, that game... wins.

Almost without exception, the player who plays better tennis during any single match win. The team that plays better basketball, football, soccer, etc. on that given day in that game... wins that game. On that day.

My inner Competitor does not understand waiting for a significant sample size to know if I'm a winner. My inner competitor would rather gladiate. This is why I (and probably you if you do it) occasionally berate the fish. The Competitor wants to crush the insignificant slug who got to WIN even though he played WORSE and SHOULD have lost. The Competitor doesn't like it when "should"-ness is violated.

My Brain knows better, but when the Competitor is set off, it can be very hard to appease him. This is why he jumps into games bigger than his bankroll, this is why he opens 2, no 3 tables and hammers away with nothing, calling bets with nothing - he's already played better and should have won, so where's his [censored] trophy? He figures the universe owes it to him.

The Brain cringes, knowing it does not.

Once the Competitor's indignation is spent, the Brain looks over the aftermath and wants to know if there are other, wiser Brains that have some insight into how to tame the Competitor...