Viewing friends for their usefulness

[luckyjimm]

I had a big argument with an Italian friend last night. I had gone to her flat to rewrite one of her college essays, which required a lot of work. She had a big party the week before when we'd all done lots of drugs. I started a conversation about said drugs, and she got upset because she thought the neighbours could hear. I know from past experience she won't discuss drugs over the telephone or messenger. I thought she was quite rude in how she was telling me to pipe down, and I said remember I've come here to help you and have spent time and money to get here.

THAT really set her off, and she was attacking me for it for the rest of the evening. She said she was insulted and offended, because my being there to help her had nothing to do with the rules she had in her flat. And I had showed I wasn't a true friend by being begrudging about helping her. She said true friends do things for each other naturally, without thought and without complaint, and they weren't weighing up what was in it for them and what they could get back. She is part of a crowd of Italians that I know who are always helping each other out with accomodation, food, time, etc, and do it in a natural way, an expression of their fondness for each other - and also perhaps in the way immigrant communities traditionally take care of each other, which is for me quite alien and hard to adjust to, though I appreciate their kindness.

It made me realise that this doesn't come as naturally to me as I'd like. I am happy to help my friends, but probably at the same time I'm aware of what I can get in return. For example, there's another Italian guy I help with his essays who is severely dyslexic and his essays are incomprehensible, an absolute nightmare to fix. But a few years back he let me stay in his flat for two months when I had nowhere to live, and I stayed a few days with his family once when I was in Italy. So I help him, because he has helped me.

When you help your friends, are you wondering how they can also help you? Are you organically, naturally able to both help and accept help, without drawing attention to it, or do you sometimes find yourself weighing up your friends in terms of their usefulness? Is it possible to learn to help without looking like you're keeping accounts?