The Better 'Deep Thoughts' thread, by jack handey (SNL)

[HensonLosesLots]

"When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it
again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some
mayonnaise for me."

"Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants."

"Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to
laugh. Girls are funny."

"I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to
me."

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em',
cause, man, they're gone."

"Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a
mummy. Forget it, little friend."

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late."

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."

"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it
was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling."

"Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.
First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan
that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for
life?"

"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out."

"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all
of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man,
those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and and you have
their shoes."