Thank you OOT

[Georgia Avenue]

Almost 1 year ago I made this post ( link ). Since then I’ve been through a lot of crazy business, but in the end I learned many positive things about myself and the world:

A brief summary:

1. Change is not bad. You can survive anything, even the complete dismantling of your personality.
2. You can fool yourself almost completely, no matter how much you believe in your own powers of self-examination. Sometime a relationship can be [censored] for years before either one of you figures it out. Maybe this is inevitable…in any even, it happens to many people.
3. Sex is probably the most important part of a relationship. If it sucks, your relationship sucks. Exclamation point, exclamation point, comedic numeral one.
4. Rock and roll will never die.

And finally,

5. Sometimes the internet is not just a place for bad jokes, but actual heartfelt human communication. Writing about my breakup and subsequent clawing back to semi-sanity and current balla glory on the ot forums on this website absolutely helped keep me from totally going off the deep-end, or at least being able to recognize the depths of my diving. It’s attention whoring to many I’m sure, but I strive to be entertaining so that we both get something out of the blogjacking. Thanks for listening…

Anyway, to anyone who is or was going through something like this, here is an offering of the best PMs I got around that time, with no names or personal info attached. They were very very helpful, just knowing that I wasn’t in some special personal hell, and that many men come through divorces and infidelity as stronger people. LOL INTERNET HOLLA



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GA, FWIW, I experienced a similar situation with my ex-fiancee. Her explanation for breaking off the engagement was that she was feeling distant and wanted to experience being single again. She didn't tell me until a year after the breakup that in fact she had cheated on me. I hope you do take steps to protect yourself even if you try to salvage the relationship. Good luck.


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You're a great dude and I wish you all the best.


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GA - as you are one of my favorite posters, and strike me as a very good guy, I just wanted to send you a PM saying how sorry I am for your situation.

I was in a very long-term relationship (8 years, I'm 30 now) that ended couple years ago. Although, I guess, I was more the one who fell out of love with her... it still was horrible. We weren't married.. and I know you have those issues to deal with also to add to the misery...

Just hang in there and take it one day at a time. If you should decide to move on, as many posters noted - it does get better with time, and you will find someone who is better for you.


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Sorry to hear. I went through a similar thing some years ago after a long marriage. It's was the most painfull thing ever. But it passed eventually. Drugs and Alcohol made things worse even though the numbed the pain for a while.
Fast forward to today. Remarried and never been happier.
I wish I had gotten a divorce sooner. A good older friend who was one of the first people I told about my divorce looked me straight in the eye, smiled and said "congratulations!". I thought he was an ass. It turned out he was right.
Time does heal all wounds.
GL


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Hey man,

Sorry to hear. I'm 30 and have been separated from my wife for 4 months, heading for divorce. I know where you're at - although my situation leading up to the separation was a little different. Just a different set of problems.

I went through the counseling, her moving out, etc. It gets better, so stick in there. You'll be way better off in the long run.


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GA - I am about 9 months ahead of you in going through the *EXACT* same thing. I'm 29, been married about 4 years, and at the end of last year the wife left me, somewhat out of the blue (obv. things had not been good leading up to this, but leaving was still a huge step), and giving almost verbatim ALL of the same reasons you mentioned. It really was uncanny reading your post. She moved in with a friend, and then to her own place - I stuck around our old place for a month or two, which was a very bad decision - move elsewhere if you can.

If she was cheating, I would wager a lot of $$ that it's a symptom of problems with your marriage as opposed to a cause of the problems. If you want to try to salvage the marriage, I'd really try to ignore that for now. IMO, it really doesn't matter - if you're going to determine whether or not to try to save the marriage based on whether she hooked up with someone while going through this [censored] - it's unlikely that things will eventually work out either way. I'd suggest spending time thinking about problems with the marriage, issues either or both of you ignored during the marriage, etc. Identify those causes, think about whether they are fixable, and deal with the symptoms later.

I read a good book called "divorce busting" which I'd recommend tracking down. If you're up for it, consider going to counseling without her there. This was helpful for both of us, particularly right after she left. Also, try to focus on hobbies/other activities - this was tough for me, and for a few months life consisted of work --> drink heavily/play cards --> pass out. Every day. Not healthy.

Anyway, just wanted to say I feel for you and wish you the best of luck regardless of what happens.


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GA
Sorry to hear it - missed thread first time around. Good luck with it all and look forward to *happy* posts soon. It seems like you aren't also coping with a min wage job, mountains of debt, and the hassles of kids, so 5 years out is probably gonna be fine, even if it doesn't feel that way. I know it is easy to give advice here, but have you considered taking some sort of "tangent" in your life - new hobby, new sport, new exercise regime? A changed perspective would really, really help.
Hope you don't mind PM - you always struck me as a neat person, and posting in OOT on this seems a bit bleh.

Good luck


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...to hear about the marriage problems. Believe me I know exactly how this hurts. I don't have any advice or anything, just wanted to let you know I can sympathize. Go bang some fat chicks, I guess. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]


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PS: If you have update questions, shoot.

PPS: Duh, we'll be officially divorced on Tuesday.