OOT, help me - for the love of God (sad girl story)

[Lonhro]

I don't really know where to start or to end. If I hadn't been drinking at all tonight this post would perhaps be so muchlonger and clearer, but then again I might never have posted it. I don't care if I get a star for it, get banned, get criticism ridiculing me for being a soft [censored] for all of these years, whatever. I feel like I need to vent and to just vent to myself through NotePad text wouldn't feel the same to me.

I'll try to keep the outline as brief as I can. I have a strange history in relationships. Low-down:

* I'm 26
* I've had (what I consider) one serious relationship - total of 4 years, although this was on and off
* I've had probably 3 more relationships that were nowhere NEAR as significant as said relationship above
*I've had TWO sexual partners - one being the in 4 year relationship, the other a drunken "f*ck up" while in Vegas with 3 friends.

I am shy around girls. I am soft at heart. Although I see a girl in a pub/bar/club and the first thing I think of is like any other dude (do I need to say this?), I AM getting along in life and worrying about being alone.

I am in a unique situation in that my ex-girlfriend (the significant one) is living out the back of my house. I live with my parents, for now, although this was going to change very soon. The way that she ended up living out the back is weird - she was living with her "then" boyfriend for close to two years before things went "not so good" for the two of them. Her parents moved 400mi north, and she needed somewhere to stay. She happened to be tutoring my 10yo sister at the time - my parents suggested that she move into the back because it was catered towards someone that wanted something with 1 bedroom and it was cheap - and she took the deal. She talked to me about it prior and asked me if I would be alright with it, but to be honest at the time I saw it as a chance to patch things up with her, especially since I knew things with her and her bf at the time were, to but it bluntly, sh*t, so I agreed that it would be a good idea.

As soon as she moved in, she went cold on me. Don't know what reason. I found out that she had taken up smoking, despite a good 4 years of complaining to me that she thought it was disgusting and she couldn't comprehend why her father would go into hospital to see his father dying on the bed only to light up when he left the hospital.

There are a lot of other things in between that I could write a novel about, but they're probably insignificant - I feel like I have painted the picture enough.

Last week while she was in my room chatting because "she hadn't spoken to me in a while" (read: a week) - she passed me a note saying that if I felt like a drink on the weekend, to let her know. As it turned out I was busy that weekend, but felt somewhat guilty for not getting back to her re: doing something and while I was out the other day, saw a pot plant (I know she loves flowers) and bought it for her sort of under the pretense that I would leave a note with it saying something like "saw this in the mall - thought you'd like it. Let's do dinner or movies or a drive or whatever - get back to me or I'll bug you till you do".

That was Tuesday. So I haven't bugged her since - she did ring me and thank me for the flowers, but that's it. Tonight I get home at 11pm and her ex's car is around the corner from my house. It's now 4:15am and it's still there.

I saw myself marrying this girl 10 years ago. I still thought there was a very good chance we would end up together the whole time she has been here. I can't deal with the continued mixed messages she is giving me, and tonight has sent me AWOL. I feel like I am partly to blame because my life is a wreck, and I'm too much of a pussy to approach her and make her lay it on the line. I feel like if I don't bite the bullet soon and tell my parents to kick her out or tell her straight to her face to get the f*ck out and stop prick-teasing me, that it's going to sub-consciously affect my life for the rest of my life. I feel like I am blaming all of my failures in life on her, and I don't know whether that is fair or not, because I know I am the ruler of my own fate, but I also know that she has been that first thing on my mind the moment I lay down to sleep, and the moment I wake up every morning for the past ten years. I love her to death, and I do not know how to stop it.

Do I confront her, tell her I can't deal with this - suck it up - what? My mates tell me that my parents must hate me for letting her rent out the back - perhaps they're right. They also tell me to just get over it - it's not that simple though.

Be harsh on me, but be truthful. Please, wtf do I do? [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]