So I need help....I think this could be long

[swingdoc]

To be blunt, I'm rather concerned about you OP. Not like I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself or anything like that, but I've been where you are and it's not a good time. Here are some of the things I've learned/am learning.

#1 - It's very easy to get a let down right after accomplishing something that you've worked hard to do. Take a look at aba's blog sometime. Even he tends to have a mediocre or poor month after he had a really great month. It sounds like you had really accomplished a lot and were really on top of your game. I'd say this could be a big part of your problem, but you're about 8 months out now.

#2 - There was a definite point in my poker career where I found myself more successful than I had ever been before. For some reason, poker suddenly seemed hollow and pathetic. Money was very easy to obtain by playing. And I just didn't give a [censored] about the money. I had worked so hard to get to this point, and I was so focused on earning x dollars or playing better and better that I never really stopped to wonder if this was a goal worth pursuing. I mean, everybody wants money, right? Sometimes you get what you wish for and realize that you should have dreamed of something else. This may or may not apply to you. I don't know you and can't say, I can only say this is what I experienced.

#3 - The fact that you are convinced that you are depressed is really quite significant. Odds are, you're right. Quick quiz: Have you experienced changes in sleep - either needing more or less or trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep? Have you lost interest in things you once enjoyed? Do you feel guilty a lot of the time? Do you seem to have less energy than normal? Is your concentration much worse than it used to be? Has your appetite significantly changed - either more or less? Do you feel like you're just moving and thinking slugishly?

If you answer yes to >3 of these, then there's a very good chance you are correct. You should seriously see a family doctor to talk about this. Hopefully he/she can recommend a good antidepressant (zoloft, prozac, lexapro, effexor, etc) and a good local psychologist. Good, solid therapy is just as important as correct medication. To be blunt, depression is a bitch of a disease that affects your very desire to get better. Because of this, most folks who are newly diagnosed absolutely need to medication to help them begin the process of managing the disease. You may not always need meds, but they could certainly be very useful for a while. Btw, adderall is likely not a good choice for you. It sounds a TON more like you are experiencing depression than ADD/ADHD.

#4 - Exercise/eating correctly, other good activities are great things. They can be extremely useful for a lot of things (including depression). However, I really wonder if there's something serious going on with you fundamentally. Maybe deep down you've decided you want more than just pursuing the dollar. Maybe deep down you want to start a family or whatever. Hell, I don't know, maybe it has something to do with your sexuality or your religious beliefs or anything else that's fundamental to how you identify yourself. This is where a psychologist or pastor or rabbi or whatever can really be useful. If something fundamental to who you are is in turmoil, then faking a happy, healthy life isn't ever going to make you happy.

#5 - Playing poker for a living is an extremely lonely, isolated career. I didn't believe it when I started playing, but nobody but you truly cares about how well you play and how much you win or lose. Some people prefer to work alone, unencumbered by others, but it truly isn't for me. This kind of lifestyle can suck the joy right out of life if you have the wrong personality, despite the huge salary that it can provide.

Playing poker for a living is also extremely stressful. What other job would take your money away if you didn't perform your best that day or, even worse, if you were simply unlucky? Put in 8 hours at a normal job and you're guaranteed a paycheck. Put in 8 hours playing poker and you could potentially lose a good chunk of money.

Sorry this is so long. If you ever want to talk about this kind of stuff, just PM me. Oh, and I should mention that I don't hate poker at all. I love it as a hobby, but nothing more [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]