Skoob's guide to being a pro drunk

[Skoob]

Can’t hold your liquor? Tired of your coworkers calling you a pussy at happy hour?

Skoob’s guide to being a pro drunk.

First thing’s first, practice: have a few cocktails on at-home nights. Practice drinking shots at home and get used to the taste of hard liquor. You should be drinking every day to build up your tolerance. Get drunk enough that when you go to work the next day, you’re still drunk from the night before.

If you can manage to squeeze in some exercise, that will help your metabolism, but don’t count on having the energy or the drive. Cycling is good with a cocktail in your water bottle.

Fat and protein are your friends, both before drinking and after. Helps you metabolize that liquor better. Skip anything dairy, it’s too tough to digest. Eat something like ground beef or pork or maybe skin on chicken. A bacon burger is a good bet (skip the cheese). Have a few carbs and veggies too, but focus on the meat. Don’t eat too much before hand so that you can’t swallow your share of the booze. You should feel satiated, but not stuffed.

Your drinks are only allowed two ingredients or less and ice counts as one ingredient. The only exception to this rule is a martini and a drink called, “Wisconsin Lunch Box.” The WLB is only available in a place called Mama’s Bar in Superior Wisconsin (tell them Jeff sent you – Gary the bartender will really burn it for you. While you’re there, ask him how he lost all his teeth, it’s a great story). There’s only one kind of martini, it has gin and vermouth. Always order the martini “dry.” You’re allowed an olive, pearl onion, or lemon peel. Or basically, stick with beer and shots. Never, ever, order anything mixed with Coke (too much sugar, avoid anything sweet). Something like a 7&7 or a gin and tonic…marginal. Definitely don’t order them “tall.” If you really want to go balls deep, order gin rocks and request the cheapest rail gin gut rot they have. And, drinks are only allowed to be one of two colors, clear or tinted brown. When shooting tequila, never lick salt or suck a fruit wedge. No “training wheels” allowed. And never even utter the words, “red bull.” That crap was never intended to be consumed by anyone with a pair of balls.

Eating a few snacks during the pounding helps. Peanuts are the best. Keep a couple bags of nuts with you and have a handful or two when you go to the can. And don’t eat the nuts that a bar has out. Most people don’t wash their hands after using the toilet and those nuts will be teeming with their feces. I generally prefer to not eat someone else’s poop if I can help it. Best thing is to find a bar that sells hard boiled eggs for a quarter. Then you have truly found something special. That bar should be your second home.

When ordering appetizers, buffalo wings are probably the best (again, think fat and protein). No “mild” wings. Your wings should be medium or hotter. You are allowed celery and bleu cheese. You may not dip the celery into the bleu cheese (only exception to the no dairy rule), only the wings, unless the wings are gone. But really, you should be using up all the dressing on the wings anyway. Use of a wet-nap is acceptable if provided. I would skip the potato skins, fries, onion rings, and anything with cheese. Sure, plenty of fat there, but no protein, and the dairy is tough on your stomach. Really, you don’t want to spend too much time in bars that serve food (except hard boiled eggs). The bars you frequent should be very dark and small, with a minimum of cheer or conversation. They should also have one really crappy pool table with a rack of about 2 dozen pool cues (most of which are broken) and a jukebox with at least 50% Patsy Cline songs in it with a sign that says anyone who plays “My Way” by Frank Sinatra will be banned for life. Ice in the urinals is also a nice touch.

When you get home (assuming you make it home) guzzle as much water as you can. Keep drinking water until you feel it sloshing around in your stomach. When you get up pee a few hours later (and you’ll need to piss like a racehorse) drink more water until you feel it sloshing.

In the morning, add more water and a multi-vitamin. Steak and eggs is probably the best hangover medicine in the world. A little hair of the dog helps too. Bloody Mary’s or a screwdriver are fine, more rot gut gin is better. If you’re training properly, eventually you will not get hangovers, a big plus.

Keep this up until you can gargle with Jack Daniels and not shudder. In fact, do that anyway. Just before going to work is a good time for that.

Never buy anything from a liquor store lower than 80 proof unless it’s beer. No other “malt” beverages are allowed – save those for the chicks or anyone wearing a skirt. When coming out of the liquor store, you should always have a slug of whatever you bought while sitting in your car before you leave the parking lot. If you stick to a specific brand, you’ll find that other brands (even those of higher quality) don’t taste very good. Better to mix it up so you don’t paint yourself into a corner.

You’ll probably start to get the shakes in the late afternoons, just hit a bar over your lunch hour or keep a bottle in a drawer in your office to take the edge off. That will cure those shakes.

Pretty soon you’ll be getting cut-off in bars, but not for appearing too drunk. Your goal should be to have the bartender look at your tab and decide no human being should consume that much alcohol in one sitting. It’s a tremendous accomplishment, good bragging rights. Once you make it to that level, you will even be able to drink an Irishman under the table.

The only downside is eventually you won’t even be able to function without a pint of whiskey in you. You’ll also notice that your urine will have a really strong odor and will be thick and deep yellow most of the time. That’s just your liver and kidneys failing. Some people will also come down with a case of handcuffs and jail cells. Just find a bar within stumbling distance of your home. Or drink at home alone in the dark, right from the bottle (no dishes to wash).

If the wife is nagging you for drinking too much, it’s time to switch to vodka and hide it. It’s best to divide a large bottle of alcohol among smaller plastic bottles and stash them around the house so you can have slugs in whatever room she isn’t in. Don’t use glass bottles, no clanking. Going into the garage to, “work on the car” is a good ploy. Hook up a TV out there or use the DVD player in the car. Drinking lemonade is good for masking your breath. When speaking with her, it’s good to aim your mouth away from her nose. It’s better to avoid talking with her all together. If she’s sneaky, she’ll come in for a kiss and a sniff. Just make sure you inhale as she approaches.

Oh, and you’ll probably die too. That’s something to watch out for.

Of course, always consult with your physician before starting a new training regimen.

Coming soon, my “ask me anything about spending a month in rehab” post.

Your Pal, Skoob