Random Starbucks rant

[J.A.Sucker]

I'm not sure why this pissed me off so much this morning, but I went to the Starbucks near my work. I usually don't go to Starbucks, instead opting for the local places, but that's not the point of this rant.

So anyway, the sun is shining again so I wanted an iced coffee. Black. Medium. So I ordered a "medium iced coffee, black." This is going hog-wild for me, since I usually just get coffee, black.

I immediately get concerned when I'm the only one NOT ordering some 1200 calorie Big Mac in a cup with extra cream and movie popcorn simulated butter topping, but I'm a gambler, right? My simple request spawns a two-minute interrogation into my coffee habits from the barista (is a male barista called a baristo or a barist or just a loser)?

B: Medium, we don't have that. Do you mean Grande, sir?

Me: OK. Whatever. This size (point to medium cup).

B: Well, that's a grande.

Me: Fine.

B: Would you like room for cream?

Me: No.

B: Sweetened?

Me: (Puzzled) Huh?

B: Sweetened, with syrups, we have vanilla, raspberry...

Me: No. Just black.

B: What's your name so we can keep track of your order?

Me: The Sucker.

B: Thank you Mr Sucker.

He furiously starts writing down stuff in Sharpie all over the side of my cup. I don't know what it means, but obviously the other baristo guy making the caffeinated concoctions understands the ancient code of Starbucks hieroglyphics, because he reads out my coffee order in this 25 second stream of words: grande... iced... house blend... no room... no sweet... to go... Sucker... some other stuff that I cannot even begin to grasp.

I walked out of the Starbucks in a daze and tasted my drink, fully expecting a disaster. Black iced coffee, medium sized. Perfect. Maybe they should get the baristo guy on the Dead Sea Scrolls.