Emotional Affairs

[katyseagull]

Because! Because it's just not done that's why. My whole world will unravel. Life on 2+2 will come to a screeching halt. Do you want that?

[Exsubmariner]

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I don't know exsubmariner. I've know a lot of different guys and if you ask me they seem to be very much in control of their lives and their emotions.

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Well, katy, most men eventually do figure it out. It could be a function of the people I work with in my particular field. I have found that by and large, highly competent technically minded (scientific and mathematically gifted people) are those who have relatively low emotional and social intelligence. I can't speak beyond my own experience and most of my conclusions are drawn from my own anecdotal experience.

It was only recently that I have developed the vocabulary sufficient to discuss these kinds of things. That is probably a function of the focus of my education not involving social relationships. Pushing my bounds out into the business side of the house has enlightened me in some suprising and unexpected ways. Here's to pushing one's bounds.

[bogey1]

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I don't know exsubmariner. I've know a lot of different guys and if you ask me they seem to be very much in control of their lives and their emotions.

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Control of my actions is very different from control of my emotions. In fact, I'm not sure anyone can really control their emotions. We say "control your anger" or some such, but what we really mean is don't act on it.

I have lots of emotions that flow through me from time to time that I wish didn't. Longings, depressions, angers, that I can't control. Sometimes I feel guilty about some of them, but then I realize it's out of my control.They come and go, sometimes on trigger points, sometimes randomly.

What I can control is how I act on them (or, usually, don't act on them). Many people who know me think I'm cold and detached. It's really quite the opposite. I churn heavily internally and learned to be very tightly controlled in my behaviors as a counter.

Not that I'm evil inside or anything [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img], but when I see someone flip out over something I have a certain empathy along with my disgust that they let their self control go.

[Mr_Moore]

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Because! Because it's just not done that's why. My whole world will unravel. Life on 2+2 will come to a screeching halt. Do you want that?

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Woaaah. Seeing how this could affect you i chose to answer, no.

[SoloAJ]

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no one dares ask him that Mr.Moore.

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Really? [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img], why not?

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Blarg's vitals reminds me something of the movie Saving Private Ryan. Everyone tries to guess Tom Hanks' profession back home and his lifestyle, etc. You just gotta pick up bits here and there, friend.

[Dominic]

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Yeah, that's weird. Sometimes I hear stuff like this and wonder if we're just yearning to go back to some sort of Islamic-type fundamentalism and fear of our sexuality or something. The idea that we are so completely out of control of ourselves seems more absurd than honest.

But at least it makes thinking easier. Which I suppose is really the whole point.

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It's all about emotional intelligence. Women are more emotionally intelligent than men. Many women use this superior emotional intelligence to exercise a degree of control over men. Men, being the emotional retards we are, get caught in this stupid trap again and again. Men who get divorced once will most likely get divorced again.

It's an old formula, desire-approval-act-guilt-regret-need for approval or absolution, etc., etc..

People get caught in this trap like little organ grinder monkeys. Pull the string and watch the symbols bang.

Most men are completely out of control emotionally when it comes to their relationships with women, and they don't even realize it.

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I don't agree with your hypothesis, Sub.

[SoloAJ]

Exsubmariner, I think that there are a few guys that I know that are emotionally pretty intelligent. I generally tend to put myself into that category. I feel pretty emotionally intelligent to most guys that are my age. That said, I also realize I'm a long way off from the people who have years of experience on me.

katy, I'd be surprised if *most* of the men you know are in control of their emotions to the level that I .assume. exsubmariner is talking about. Then again, this might be the type of thing where age becomes a factor. If you deal mostly with guys that are 22, you're going to get a lot of emotional immaturity. If you deal with 40 year old guys, you probably, in general, are going to see life experiences leading to a high emotional intelligence.

[Exsubmariner]

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I don't agree with your hypothesis, Sub.


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Well, that's OK, Dom. Different people have different paradigms. Everyone has different gifts and challenges. What is challenging for some is easy for others.

I would probably enjoy reading your hypothesis, if you care to share it.

[Jamougha]

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In fact, I'm not sure anyone can really control their emotions. We say "control your anger" or some such, but what we really mean is don't act on it.

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For most people, it is possible to control their emotions to a large degree. Partially through cognitive strategies like reframing and intellectualization, and partially through an inbuilt neural inhibition mechanism designed for the job. If you find your emotions overwhelming and out of control then it may be that you didn't practise emotional control as a child and so your abilities were never fully developed.

It's funny how many people in this thread are assuming that their personal subjective experience is pretty much universal. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] People are pretty varied.

[Exsubmariner]

It's interesting that you mention intellectualization. A lot of people fall into traps regarding logical fallacy. A big logical fallacy is personalization. Everything is not necessarily about you, but people have a tendency to assume that it is. People without training in this area can't use the tool properly. Eventually, it may come with practice. You are right, much experience is subjective and each person is unique.