Blowing People Off & The Social Balance Sheet

[neuroman]

TLDR: How do you blow people off and be nice about it?

Time is a precious commodity. I have a large group of friends and acquaintances, and I don't necessarily get to see or interact with everyone as often as I would like. C'est la vie.

Everyone has friends and acquaintances from whom in some sense they have "moved on." Circumstances may have changed, or common interests may no longer be shared. People in this category might be a former co-worker, someone from a sports league you were in, or an old apartment neighbor, etc.

What do you do when someone contacts you for plans and you don't really want to hang out (ever)? Not because you dislike them, necessarily, but that other friends of yours have a higher priority or there are simply other more important uses of your time.

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The people I'm talking about are usually not especially interesting or otherwise not a "gain" on the social balance sheet.

Social Balance Sheet Theory
People can be categorized into three groups: Type 1) those who are almost always fun to be around--you are usually glad to see one of these people added to your social setting.

Type 2) those who don't necessarily bring much to the table, but you don't mind them. You would not go out of your way to make plans with a type 2 person but would gladly talk to one at a party for few minutes.

Type 3) Those who not only do not bring anything to the table, but they actively detract from the group environment. They are awkward, or weird, or overly argumentative, etc. I consider "pure" type 3s to be fairly rare.
* * *

So if a type 2 or mixed type 2/type 3 person from your past contacts you, is the simple plan to provide polite excuses until they stop contacting you? At what point, if ever, can you start ignoring them completely without being a douchebag?

[Mason Hellmuth]

This is a very good topic. Unfortunately, I don't have anything to contribute, because I'm a type 3.

[[Phill]]

One of my 'close' friends is clearly a type 3. He finally found breaking point for dickishness when me and another mate were at his house other day drinking and watching the England game (lolol, i supported Israel at the end, ironic for my general dislike of the nation and the fact im English).

Anyway, much drinking, and im waiting outside with him and my other mate for the taxi to arrive, when my other mate decides to go cos he is cold and tired (fair enough imo) and so its the two of us, at which point my friend goes inside, and whilst closing the door says:

"Yeah, i gotta be up tomorrow so im gonna leave you, night"

Im like wtf? He locks door, goes to bed and im stood in the cold wondering wtf just happened and at what point he thought he wasnt being a total [censored] there.

Revenge will be mine soon enough, oh yeah. I hope he takes a swing when im done verbally crushing him next time we are out, ill tear his [censored] head off.

He almost did the other night at the pub where i "overstepped the mark" whilst comparing his ex to some heavily obese girl we had been mocking all night (fwiw, i didnt say anything majorly bad, he is a sensitive [censored] about her for some reason which i still dont get, and after running it past people it wasnt 1/10th as bad as some of the stuff he could happilly say about the poor obese girl). As it happened I backed down cos i know there is a time to cool things down and if i went on i know id have to give him a beat down in our local.

Oh, and for backstory, the girl was a bit of a bitch who dumped him kinda out of the blue and he is clearly still hung up on her like 2+ years later - as far as im aware he doesnt speak to her or anything, yet is a girl who "he cares deeply about". She is also quite fugly.

My friend is a pussy, i knew it before, but it only got clearly defined this weekend. We tend to rip on each other a lot btw, but he is at a clear disadvantage being a dead beat in a crappy min wage job stacking shelves for the past 6 years - he was the highest achiever of us all at school. Still lives with parents and his biggest achievment is buying a new telly last summer.

[[Phill]]

Oh yeah, and im a type 2 verging on type 1 i reckon - im generally a crack to hang out with but i dont mind being a dick at times too but only in an environment where its normal (which with our school friends it is).

But at the same time a little shy around people i dont really know and can easily give the appearance of being a type 3 to those who dont know me i guess.

[tuq]

[ QUOTE ]
Type 2) those who don't necessarily bring much to the table, but you don't mind them. You would not go out of your way to make plans with a type 2 person but would gladly talk to one at a party for few minutes.

[/ QUOTE ]
I call this type of person a "condiment". As in, you'd never eat ketchup or relish by itself but it will enhance other things. In other words, doing something one-on-one with a condiment person usually sucks, but they are a nice add to a group setting.

Also, your OP is unnecessarily complex. If you don't want to hang out with someone get "busy". Maybe your internet celebrity presents you with situations that the rest of us are unfamiliar with and as such can't elaborate upon, I dunno.

[ScottieK]

FWIW I don't have a wide circle of friends. It's more of a tight-knit group. I'd say I hang out with, at most, eight to ten people regularly...and besides my gf, there are only two people that I consider close friends of mine. There are other people that I will invite to social events if I think they would enjoy it or if I haven't seen them in a while.

The problem I have with this theory is that it's accounting with people like debits and credits. I don't want to hang out with some people, and some people don't want to hang out with me. After some interaction, it's pretty evident who's more willing to make plans and hang out than others.

People who don't take me up on invitations, or worse, say they will come and don't, eventually get left off the list. Sure, I think they're being punks, but they obviously don't care what I think of them. And if that's the way it is, then I'm not going to hound them week after week just to be my friend. If you don't want to hang out with someone, why does it matter to you what they think about you?

Whatever you do to avoid hanging out with someone, eventually they will realize how you feel whether you tell them or not. They will think of you however they want....no matter how "polite" you think you are being.

ScottieK

[dboy23]

just ease off of contacting them. If you are usually the one that initiates contact then it will break off fairly quick. If it is usually them, you can make excuses or whatever until they get the hint.

[ElDuque]

neuroman,

sounds like your a d-wad. do them a favor and quit talking to em.

[luckyjimm]

Type 1 Type 2 Type 3:

[luckyjimm]

FWIW this happens to me all the time but, uh, I'm the one trying to get back in touch with people who have "moved on" from me, or who I fell out with at some point and I want to make up and they don't. I normally just keep on trying. It doesn't work, ever. Once someone has no nice feelings towards you any more, you're not going to talk them into hanging out however cool the invite.