Ask me about breaking my engagement (and why maybe you should too)

otnemem · #1 09-26-2007, 10:05 AM

I hate ask me threads, but I thought this might be helpful for people who find themselves in a similar situation as I was recently. The moral of the story below.

The short story (EDIT - tried to do the short story, but it's just too long. If it doesn't interest you, move on): I'm 26. I moved in with my girlfriend very quickly after we started dating in September '05, despite having major doubts about the relationship. The bottom line was that we got along so well - she was smart, funny, attractive. We had different tastes in music and movies (unimportant stuff), and as documented in a previous thread, I always found her friends to be sort of tacky and stuck in their college days. But overall, she had a lot of qualities that I've never really found in a girlfriend.

The problem for me was that from the beginning of our relationship, I never felt passionately toward her. Our sex life was OK - not mind-blowing, but it existed - but for some reason, I just wasn't attracted to her in the way you need to be in a serious relationship. I understand that with time, these feelings fade, but they were never there with her.

I convinced myself that it was unimportant, because she had so many qualities I admire. So we moved in together, lived together for about a year and a half, and in June I proposed. Throughout our entire relationship, I was never honest enough with myself to admit how important this missing piece was.

So we start planning the wedding, and all of a sudden all these feelings start enveloping me. I start to realize how wrong this wedding would be - that I've just stuck myself in this relationship of comfort and convenience because I don't have the balls to break it off.

I meet someone new. I start spending time with this person. I have feelings toward this person that I'd never had toward my fiance. This troubles me. Even if this new woman is just an infatuation, it made me realize how important this raw, physical attraction is.

I become depressed. I tell my fiance I don't know why I'm having the feelings that I'm having, but that I'm questioning the engagement. Again, I understand my reasons, but I'm too much of a pussy to admit them to her. I tell her I need to take some time off. I stay at my friend's house for a week, and I don't miss her a bit. I love her as a person, but as a partner there's just nothing there.

I come back a week later and tell her that the relationship is not right for me. She starts crying, and it's terrible and difficult, but I'm calm and composed at this point because I understand it's the right decision. She packs up one bag of luggage and says she's going to her parents'.

We talk over the next week. She bobbles back and forth between wanting the apartment and not wanting the apartment. Eventually she opts to take her name off the lease. I'm now paying more than half my take-home to rent. I couldn't feel better and more relieved about my decision.

The moral: If you're in a floundering relationship that you know has no future - BREAK IT OFF NOW. Staying in it will only make things more complicated and hurtful when you finally have the balls to do what you always knew needed to be done. Many, many people find themselves in these situations and don't know what to do. The doubt, uncertainty, etc. prevents them from making the right decision. But when you make the right decision, you'll know almost instantly.

Sorry for the blog post.

bisonbison · #2 09-26-2007, 10:10 AM

Good.

KAknight · #3 09-26-2007, 10:13 AM

nevermind

daryn · #4 09-26-2007, 10:15 AM

you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

tpir · #5 09-26-2007, 10:29 AM

[ QUOTE ]
you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

[/ QUOTE ]
Social anxiety? I am really not sure. I feel like a lot of my married friends made mistakes (small ones though), but they will all talk until they are blue in the face about how they "can't even imagine being with anyone else." I am starting to think it's all a big delusion that our brains put on to make us pump out babies, but I am open to being wrong.

mason55 · #6 09-26-2007, 10:36 AM

[ QUOTE ]
So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

[/ QUOTE ]
nm, post deleted dont want to get banned.

daryn · #7 09-26-2007, 10:41 AM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
So then what? On to the next girl? That is how our cousins in the jungle roll but I am not sure that is a good thing.

[/ QUOTE ]
nm, post deleted dont want to get banned.

[/ QUOTE ]

that's it. you are soooo banned.

gumpzilla · #8 09-26-2007, 12:05 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

[/ QUOTE ]
Social anxiety? I am really not sure. I feel like a lot of my married friends made mistakes (small ones though), but they will all talk until they are blue in the face about how they "can't even imagine being with anyone else." I am starting to think it's all a big delusion that our brains put on to make us pump out babies, but I am open to being wrong.

[/ QUOTE ]

The flaw here, in my opinion, is the assumption that you need to find the perfect person to get married to. You don't, and the expectation that that's how it should be seems deeply problematic to me. Overly romantic conceptions of "soulmates" and "The One" and effortless eternal passion mostly seem like sources of unhappiness to me.

I would probably agree that if you're not interested in children, there's not much point in marriage. I want children, but if I didn't I think I probably wouldn't wed.

otnemem · #9 09-26-2007, 12:10 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
you'd think that it would be so rare to meet the perfect person.. so why does almost everyone get married? people just don't want to admit they made a mistake i guess. pretty common phenomenon

[/ QUOTE ]
Social anxiety? I am really not sure. I feel like a lot of my married friends made mistakes (small ones though), but they will all talk until they are blue in the face about how they "can't even imagine being with anyone else." I am starting to think it's all a big delusion that our brains put on to make us pump out babies, but I am open to being wrong.

[/ QUOTE ]

The flaw here, in my opinion, is the assumption that you need to find the perfect person to get married to. You don't, and the expectation that that's how it should be seems deeply problematic to me. Overly romantic conceptions of "soulmates" and "The One" and effortless eternal passion mostly seem like sources of unhappiness to me.

[/ QUOTE ]
I agree with you, but I knew I wouldn't be happy in the long term. I'm not looking for a soulmate, and I don't believe in "the one." But it's obvious when you're in a relationship with someone who's not right for you.

tpir · #10 09-26-2007, 12:26 PM

[ QUOTE ]
The flaw here, in my opinion, is the assumption that you need to find the perfect person to get married to. You don't, and the expectation that that's how it should be seems deeply problematic to me. Overly romantic conceptions of "soulmates" and "The One" and effortless eternal passion mostly seem like sources of unhappiness to me.

[/ QUOTE ]
I could not agree more. There is a book a friend of mine wants me to read (wish I could remember the title right now) about marrying for "love" versus marrying as more of a social pact. The author claims that the perception of marriage in America tilted drastically towards "love" and "the One" after WWII and divorce rates skyrocketed as a result of people shoehorning themselves into unhappiness over and over again.