Engaged for July - suddenly not ready.

[problems]

Hi OOT,

I don't really know where to begin with this. The short story:

I'm 26, and I'm engaged to get married with my girlfriend of two years next July. We moved in together pretty quickly, and have been living together for about a year and a half. There was no pressure to get married whatsoever, so it's not like she was pushing for a rock or anything. It just seemed like the natural move, and I felt great proposing.

I also recently started a new job. I work in a young, creative industry (it might be stupid, but I don't want to give too many details), and I've met a lot of very interesting people at this new job.

Just last week I became friendly with a girl at work, and I think now that I have a ridiculous crush on her, so much so that it's making me rethink this engagement. Basically, I'm starting to wonder: if I can have intense feelings, like real sparks, with someone that's not my fiancé, is my fiancé really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? I love her, and we connect on so many levels, but I get this sinking feeling that maybe there's someone else out there...

OK, here's the sticky part. I've always been the type who wants whatever's on the other side. Whenever I'm in a relationship, I always wish I were dating, and vice versa. So I can't really tell if I feel like I'm sort of falling for this girl because I "can't" have her, or if I genuinely have feelings for her. The other thing is that I feel like she flirts with me, and we click on a lot of levels, but maybe she's just a flirtacious type.

I think I might get blasted for this sounding too much like a blog entry, but I guess I'm looking for feedback from people who've been in a similar situation. Is the fact that I might conceivably have feelings for someone else enough to call off an engagement? Or am I just idealizing what I can't have? We haven't planned anything yet for the wedding. What if I suggest waiting another year? [censored], I don't really know what to do now...

I've probably left out a lot of pertinent information in this post.

[pokerbobo]

I got married the first time after dating for 3 years, because it was the "next step" so to speak.

marriage lasted two years officially, but was really over after about 6 months.

I consider my divorce one of the best days of my life.... banged a ton after divorce, found a great woman, dated 4 months, got engaged, married for almost 8 years now with 2 kids. Waaaaay better the second time thru.

Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[problems]

[ QUOTE ]
Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[/ QUOTE ]
How do I slow it down? I tell her I'm just not ready now? I need more time to consider? I figure that's going to set off some bells with her...

[leehrat]

if you don't want to have children right now don't get married as that's really the only point in doing it as a male.

[pokerbobo]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Based on your post, I would advise to break it off or at least slow it down. Imagine yourself with her in 10 years... imagine yourself with her if she gets fat, imagine if lots of things. If you still are dedicated, go for it.... but sounds like you already want to stray.

[/ QUOTE ]
How do I slow it down? I tell her I'm just not ready now? I need more time to consider? I figure that's going to set off some bells with her...

[/ QUOTE ]

See... even the ladies agree with me. Pokerbobo knows, Pokerbobo is wise. Slow it down means your wedding is 11 months from now. tell her you love her, but are having some issues you need to work out. Ask her not to pick out a hall, or invitations or dress yet, and to give you some time.

She may get upset, may freak out, may be rational and actually ask what the hangup is or how long you think you will need. Be honest as you can... I do not recommend comparing her to the work chick, or even letting her know about that. (nothing has happened, really its just a crush)

Have your talk, and tell her you are willing to set a date of decision if she wants you to, but if she does, and you are still unsure in any way, you will error on the side of caution and not commit.

[ElliotR]

[ QUOTE ]
Pokerbobo knows, Pokerbobo is wise.

[/ QUOTE ]

[jbrent33]

I'm 32, been divorced 2 years, was married 3. My situation similar to yours, and I offer you one piece of advice:

Do you know why divorces are expensive?













They are worth it.

[CheckCheckFold]

Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

[problems]

[ QUOTE ]
Dude, everyone has this problem.

Fact: there are more than one person you can be attracted to - that's [censored] life. The hard part is to choose if you want peace and stay with one woman or excitement and fool around.

[/ QUOTE ]
Yeah, the thing is that the girl at work – I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical. But we haven't known each other long, so I don't really know.

[TobDog]

[ QUOTE ]
I feel like we have a connection that's beyond physical.

[/ QUOTE ]

It wont be the last time you feel that way, married, committed, or single, your life will be filled with that, see how you feel about her(girl at work) in 6 months, and, do yourself a favor, find out how she feels about you now. If she has feelings for you and is willing to express them, does she know you are living with your fiance?

Just my .02

tobdog