Learning to communicate

Kimbell175113 · #1 10-19-2007, 01:47 AM

Here's the thing: I am a smart guy. I love to learn difficult concepts, and I can understand calculus, chemistry, and the poems of William Blake with a confident clarity.

But whenever I try to explain them to someone else, or to join in a discussion of others who are knowledgeable, I crash and burn. I can go maybe a few minutes without saying something stupid, or freezing up, or one of many other possible failures.

This effect is sometimes mitigated by the non-real time nature of message boards, but even then, if I'm at all hurried or excited, I'm no better here than in real life. In fact, I'm starting this thread in reaction to me flubbing a basic, though small, detail in the current AP thread. I knew it in my head, but somehow it doesn't translate to my words, and I made myself look dumb for no reason.

It's by far the most frustrating part of my life, that I cannot make people understand what I'm trying to get them to understand, and I feel like no one ever can really 'know' me until I fix this.

Has anyone else had this problem? overcome it? Suggestions? (lolz I know this is a big topic with no specific starting point; feel free to discuss whatever you think can help)

edit: changed thread title

WhoIam · #2 10-19-2007, 02:48 AM

It sounds like you might have an anxiety disorder. A mental health professional should be able to give you some feedback on this.

JanelleBB7 · #3 10-19-2007, 02:53 AM

I think we are all too familiar with being misunderstood, especially on a forum because you only have your written text and no other gestures or tone of voice to indicate the what you may mean to say. I think we try to subsitute for a lack of human interaction on these boards by using "smileys" and online terminologies, but still nonethesless we sometimes fail to get our points across the way we mean them.

It is also easy to leave out what we have already taken for granted as "understood". People you know very well will understand you without you having to explain everything. They just know you and understand you, but people you don't know and who have never met you can VERY easily misunderstand you and reinterpret anything you say to mean something completely different.

Also we all come from different countries and have different cultures and belief systems which will influence the way we interpret what someone is saying, regardless of the actual words.

[img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

Kimbell175113 · #4 10-19-2007, 03:16 AM

WhoIam,
You may very well be right. Is there any more you can add, or is this strictly a "speak to a professional" thing?

Janelle,
It is definitely worse IRL than in a forum (for me, for the specific problem I'm talking about). Here, I can take time, write a sentence, rewrite it, organize some paragraphs, etc., with very little pressure. When a real person is in front of me, however, I can [censored] up the smoothest logic or the funniest joke on the planet. I can think of something perfectly brilliant, and never be able to explain it verbally.

JanelleBB7 · #5 10-19-2007, 03:27 AM

[ QUOTE ]
WhoIam,
You may very well be right. Is there any more you can add, or is this strictly a "speak to a professional" thing?

Janelle,
It is definitely worse IRL than in a forum (for me, for the specific problem I'm talking about). Here, I can take time, write a sentence, rewrite it, organize some paragraphs, etc., with very little pressure. When a real person is in front of me, however, I can [censored] up the smoothest logic or the funniest joke on the planet. I can think of something perfectly brilliant, and never be able to explain it verbally.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ok I see. I thought prehaps you meant slightly misunderstanding you. Do you get nervous around people and this causes you to lose your train of thought? Is it around everyone or just strangers?

It is funny that it is worse for you in the real world because for me it is MORE difficult here than in the real wolrd to express myself. I find people misunderstand me alot here but in my daily life I don't seem to have the same difficulties. i think maybe because people are more eager to attack you in the virtual world than in reality.

Kimbell175113 · #6 10-19-2007, 03:35 AM

I don't think it is just nervousness. What helps me communicate better on a forum (and, as I said, I still don't think it's that great, but it's better) is that I can try one way of saying it, edit, organize, take time. I can look at what I'm saying and see if it makes sense, before putting it out there.

Whereas, in conversation there's no time to organize; it's just assumed that people's thoughts are already in a form that is digestible by others. And I don't think mine are. I have to translate my thoughts into English, if that makes sense (not that I think in Polish or Spanish or something, it's just that I don't think of my thoughts as 'words') It's as though anything I put down on paper (or electronic text) is a pale imitation of the real ideas I had, and yet it doesn't seem as though it's this way for everyone.

JanelleBB7 · #7 10-19-2007, 03:56 AM

LOL officially I am unqualified at this point to help you. Seems it is more direr than just the regular situation when you feel you can't express yourself. I agree if it is causing you difficulties you should talk to a docotr and see if there is a simple solution. Drugs may solve this problem not that I advocate you taking medication ulnless absolutely necessary!

jeffnc · #8 10-19-2007, 09:40 AM

[ QUOTE ]
Whereas, in conversation there's no time to organize; it's just assumed that people's thoughts are already in a form that is digestible by others. And I don't think mine are. I have to translate my thoughts into English, if that makes sense (not that I think in Polish or Spanish or something, it's just that I don't think of my thoughts as 'words') It's as though anything I put down on paper (or electronic text) is a pale imitation of the real ideas I had, and yet it doesn't seem as though it's this way for everyone.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hmmm, interesting. Did you see the documentary on the guy who kept numbers in his brain as shapes? He knew pi to thousands of places, all stored as a shape landscape. He visited New York City or somewhere, and he felt uncomfortable, like he was surrounded by the number 9 (which was big to him).

Anyway, I think you need to practice "translating" and finding your own code. Work up from "slow" social situations, like a few people sitting around a camp fire where periods can go by without much being said. Or hang around some friends who don't speak real fast so it's not hard "to get in a word edgewise." Improve from there. Do you have a friend you can "practice" talking with? He/she should allow lots of gaps/silence and waiting time. This part is in and of itself very uncomfortable for some people.

WhoIam · #9 10-19-2007, 03:39 AM

I'm not a mental health professional, I just have a strong interest in psychology and mental health. It sounds like you've set up a loop in your head where being freaked out about not communicating well leads to you not communicating well which leads to you getting freaked out...

Just google "anxiety disorders" and pay special attention to social and generalized anxiety disorder. If you think these apply to you, there are treatments available, both drugs and other means. In any case, you should spend a session with a mental health professional talking about this. If you're in school this should be free.

edit: Do you find you communicate better after a few drinks?

Kimbell175113 · #10 10-19-2007, 03:51 AM

WhoIam,
thanks.

[ QUOTE ]

edit: Do you find you communicate better after a few drinks?

[/ QUOTE ]
I don't know, I don't drink. (not opposed to it, and will almost certainly drink in the future, but well, I also happen to be quite socially inept and I don't often find myself in situations where one would drink.)