Let's talk about depression/attempted suicide

[DwightSchrute]

cliff notes at bottom

I wanted to start a thread like this after I read Lurker's thread. (I believe it was in BBV4LIFE.)

Anyway I'm using a gimmick account for a couple reasons 1-I'd rather noone really know and 2- more importantly since I post quite a bit from work I feel corporate could easily find it and then you never know how you'd get treated.

My depression started about 15 years ago when I was in the military. It was a little odd because I had everything going for me. I had received the highest possible reviews each year, promoted as fast as possible, received many awards that were more typical of someone who had been in the serrvice for much longer than I had been in.

Anyway I had just moved back to the states from Italy. I took a weekend hop to Vegas, and when I came back I got real sick. I rode my bike into work not feeling well and as soon as I got to work they told me I should go see the flight surgeon. Within an hour of being there my temp went from 99 -103.7. They took me by ambulance to the hospital and I asked the doc if I was going to live. (I forgot to mention my symptoms were severe head, neck, and back pain). His answer was "I don't know". I guess I wanted the truth. They thought I had spinal meningitas. Turns out I didn't have that but after spending 2 weeks in the hospital I got better. They never figured out what it was either (weird huh?)

So I recover and my only real problems was my back still hurt a lot. So I had to quit working out. I replaced all the time in the gym with alcohol.

Next thing you know I really didn't seem to care if I lived or died. So I did the smart thing and called my supervisor and asked him to come to my apt. I told him everything (at that point I had only superficially cut my wrists and forearms trying to psyche myself up for the big cut)

He did what he had to do by reporting it and taking me to see a psychiatrist. I was sent to a civilian place to get evaluated. They drugged me up and I spent a week or so there. They decided I needed more attention so I was flown to a military psyche place in California.

When I arrived in Cali I kind of knew I was past the point of no return as far as having a productive properous military career. I went to all sorts of meetings and kind of felt more at home in the hospital that I did anywhere else. I don't know why that is but it's definetly true.

Oh I forgot to mention after one night with me my roommate jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.

At first I was on major restrictions. Not being able to go anywhere by myself. After a few weeks I had made it to where I could go do anything anywhere. Even fly back to my regular duty station to get some thigns straight.

So I arrive back to my apt and after a night of drinking I decide it isn't worth it. I take 4700 mg of Wellbutrin and 29mg of Klonopin. (along with the 3+ 6 packs of beer)

I had been on the phone with a lady I was in the civilian psyche ward at the time. I told her I was going to go for a walk and talk to her later. So I went for a walk and passed out in a field. That lady said she knew somethin was messed up and went looking for me. Well she found me in the field. Next thing ya know I was at a civilian emergency room (transferred there from the military one who wasn't able to handle it)

Two days later I came to with tubes down my throat and (LDO) tied to my bed. Turns out I was in some kind of coma or something. I dunno if I would have died or not if noone found me but one interesting thing is if you overdose on Wellbutrin one side affect is seizures. One of the thigs Klonopin does is keep you from having seizures. That's what I was told anyway.

So I was sent back to the civilian psyche place and I crapped like a million lbs of charcoal. I was flown back to the military place in California. I spent 4 or 5 more months there.

After that time there, because of my good record, I was told that it was up to me. I could stay in the military in my career field, the would move me to a different one, or they'd let me out. As much as I always felt I was a lifer I just knew I had to start a new chapter in my life.

So I got out, moved back to the city I came from, and started over. I received a temporary retirement so I had a little extra cash so there was no need to get a job right off the bat.

So I got out and ended up drinking every night of the week. For months and months.

Then I discovered black jack. That's a great combination depression, alcohol, and gambling.


Anyway I'll have to pick back up on this in a bit because my daughter is yelling for me.

I hope others can share or relate to some of this stuff. If you have something to share email me at depression10@gmail.com .

I'm sure it would be simple for a mod or others to find the real me but I would appreciate the anonymity.

cliff notes - I have had bouts with depression, I've attempted suicide before, and I'm long winded.

[holdme]

lurker's thread for reference

haven't read the op yet, but this was probably those most touching thing ive seen on the internet, certainly 2+2

[holdme]

waiting eagerly for part 2, op

[pepper123]

[ QUOTE ]
waiting eagerly for part 2, op

[/ QUOTE ]

[egocidal]

zoloft helps me, but sometimes I still revert back to my old self if I stop for like 3 days or so. One attempt, failed, in high school, never told anyone.

[React1oN]

[ QUOTE ]
zoloft helps me, but sometimes I still revert back to my old self if I stop for like 3 days or so. One attempt, failed, in high school, never told anyone.

[/ QUOTE ]How did you fail and how did you go about trying to do it in the first place.

[DwightSchrute]

Cliff notes at bottom

So like I said I get out of the military and I guess you could say I was on the downward spiral. It wasn't a fast track down I was having a good time meeting a lot of women, drinking a LOT.

I started to gamble it up at the casinos. I ran one win up to 18k and quit up 13k. I was running real well. I'd decide I needed some cash, all I'd do is tell myself I was gonna hit the casino winb a quick 500 and then go drink it up. That's exactly what happened. Like I said I was running well.

Then there wasn't anything in particular that went bad but I just started to get a lil depressed again. Next thing you know it was back to not necessarily suicidal thoughts but " I don't give a F feelng"

After drinking all night I decided to walk around the middle of a real bad part of downtown. To give you an example of how tough it is there I wouldn't walk around there right now for $500.

I think I drank heavily every night for a couple years. One day I pointed my .347 at my head and was squeezing the trigger just a lil when I had second thoughts and moved the gun away it went off. It went through my wall, through the closet, and through the bathroom where my GF was taking a shower. Of course I played it off like it wasn't what it was.

Ok part 3 to come later.

The time frame of this is 1995ish.

cliff notes - I drink a lot, get depressed and shouldn't be trusted with guns

[AntonHeat]

This is a sad thread [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img] hope people email and help you out bro

[egocidal]

there are people on this board I know irl and I'd rather not discuss

[Howard Beale]

[ QUOTE ]


Oh I forgot to mention after one night with me my roommate jumped off the Golden Gate bridge.


[/ QUOTE ]

Pretty hard to take you seriously after this part. OTOH, you just might be as messed up as you sound. If so I'd be calling the suicide prevention line right about now.