the musings of an addict

[yasher]

cliffs notes at the bottom, folks

it all began quite mundanely. i think the first things that really engrossed me were MUDs. remember those? text-based multiplayer games based off D&D, to put it simply. good times. i was 13 or 14, i didn't socialize very well, i was very intelligent, and MUDs were entertaining.

this is a story about addiction, and that's where it starts. it'll take all the fun twists and turns, through cocaine and crystal meth, to sex, relationships, etc. but it starts at MUDs.

in most cases, its not been about identifying an addiction and actively fighting it; the actual object of the addiction is of less importance than the addiction itself. lately its been marijuana, or civ4, or sex. it kinda runs in blocks. my coke and meth blocks were relatively short, compared to other people's, but they had a profound impact on my life.

relationships are also a pretty big factor in this whole scheme of things. i tend to get tied down because i tend to obsess. i'm attractive, i'm good with women, and yet i still end up desparetly seeking relationships. im not sure if its for validation purposes, or because i like to direct huge amounts of energy at ONE thing at a time, or what, but this happens, and i throw myself full force at some chick, and by the time i tire out, she's hooked, we're together, and i'm in a relationship for awhile. bleh.

i'm almost 22 years old, and i've been "in love" a couple times. i've said it - and meant it - to three seperate girls. i've said it to others, because they wanted to hear it... and i didn't feel good about it. those loves were periods of insanely intense emotion, followed by a drop-off that was pretty sharp. this "love" isnt always short, either... one relationship lasted 1.5 years. the others were like 3 and 5 months. i said it first all 3 times.

i've had serious fights with cocaine and crystal meth, when i was nineteen years old. i went from one to another, and then finally snapped out of it when two friends of mine died, in seperate incidents. one was drug related, one wasnt. both changed my life. i woke up, i cleaned up, i moved on. the drugs had replaced the hole in my heart that love #2 left when she broke up with me. while i recovered - with the help of one trusted friend who'd seen me through all of this and kept trying to stop me the entire time - i sweated and dreamt of the drugs. but i got over it. and after i startd telling my friends and family about it, i often heard, "oh, yeah, i thought something was really wrong with you." but they never once said anything to me about it. im not blaming anybody; far from it, i take full responsiblity for my actions. but there was a chance i would have listened, and instead they just told themselves there was nothing they could do, or they ignored the signs. im sure it was obvious.

its been everquest, starcraft, anarchy online... its been cigarettes, when i was in the marines and we smoked cuz that's what you did in the marines. recently its been weed again, and now its a new girl. but i'm not gonna get wrapped up in her. smoke a few bowls and move on. but the sex is really, really good...

and so it goes.

tonight will be dirty vodka martinis, weed and good friends. maybe i'll find someone to hook up with.

and then onto the next addiction.

cliffs notes: this ended up a whole lot more rambling than i thought it would... uh: i've smoked meth, snorted coke, fallen in love 3 times, and im not sure what's next. just read it.

i apologize for the rambling nature of this post; i expected it to have more structure than it does. i'm stoned, but i've read it twice and it makes sense to me. i'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Bob Moss]

I agree that weed is great.

[Blarg]

Obsession turned the right way can lead to great achievement. Few people became great at anything without getting seriously obsessed with it. For most people, it's probably even necessary for high achievement.

But if you whore it out to any old thing, it becomes a liability.

Sounds like your ideal job might be very project oriented, so you can go nuts on it, rather than one of those day in day out the same jobs that are more about being just good enough combined with just showing up. There's something invigorating to an obsessive type about going balls to the wall on projects and looking for the triumph, and crushing about feeling that what he does has no beginning, middle, or end, and putting in extra effort and thought won't lead to any better results or any personal or professional growth. You might want to keep in mind looking for jobs that cater to your tendencies rather than smother them or render them unnecessary.

[guids]

[ QUOTE ]
Obsession turned the right way can lead to great achievement. Few people became great at anything without getting seriously obsessed with it. For most people, it's probably even necessary for high achievement.

But if you whore it out to any old thing, it becomes a liability.

Sounds like your ideal job might be very project oriented, so you can go nuts on it, rather than one of those day in day out the same jobs that are more about being just good enough combined with just showing up. There's something invigorating to an obsessive type about going balls to the wall on projects and looking for the triumph, and crushing about feeling that what he does has no beginning, middle, or end, and putting in extra effort and thought won't lead to any better results or any personal or professional growth. You might want to keep in mind looking for jobs that cater to your tendencies rather than smother them or render them unnecessary.

[/ QUOTE ]

Im just like the OP, although Ive never had too much of a drug problem, other than booze and weed. I obsess. If I have a hobby or interest I take it too far, and then it becomes all consuming, its really not healthy, dont know how to stop it though. Its been everything from food, lifting, poker and computers, to booze, weed, sex, and clothes. I dont think that any of this is healthy, even if you are obsessed w/ something that is "good" for you. Dunno, maybe I do need a project oriented job.

[jokerthief]

You should get into building websites. Do it for fun and as a way of expressing your obvious creative side. If you get some real traffic you can also make money with goggle ads. This could be an obsession that could turn lucrative.

[yasher]

Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

[Banks2334]

[ QUOTE ]
Blarg,

I always love your posts.

yasher

[/ QUOTE ]
Did you just fall in love for the 4th time?

[yasher]

My love for Blarg is the unrequited type...

[Blarg]

Well, physically, yeah.

[doug funnie]

This belongs on a blog, not polluting OOT