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#1
05-11-2007, 10:41 PM
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The incredible power of grief
I've been trying to get my thoughts together for a week now, but it hasn't come cohesively so i figured the next best thing was to make a rambling post here.
A good friend just died from pancreatic cancer. He was 43, married late in life and leaves children ages 4 and 2. He was co-chief resident with me during our residency. We worked, learned, and suffered somewhat together for 3 years. He was a mormon, and thus didn't smoke, drink, have premarital sex or do any other type of nasty thing to his body. He was one of the most gifted and giving people I will ever know. Indeed, he was like a brother to me. In any event, he was diagnosed about 15 months ago and went through chemo and experiments and all that. I visited him about a year ago and when we parted I think we both knew it was likely the last time we would see each other. He died on Sunday and his funeral is tomorrow. I went to a "visitation" this evening. It was beautiful. They had photos, paintings, video. They also had his project on display- a perfectly restored 1964 Jaguar that looked mint. As I walked in and saw all this I became completely overwhelmed with grief. I have been to funerals before, but rarely for someone my age. I found myself overcome with sadness. It was so intense. I had to leave, as I could not compose myself and everyone else was pretty mellow. I attribute this to two things: They live here (SLC) and watched and knew of his slow demise, and they are all LDS and are comfortable with the "he's in a better place" concept. Being a cynic and heathen I have much more trouble with that. And it got me thinking about people who lose their kids. This must be much much worse, and I can't imagine how people get through it. Thanks for listening. I should post some hot chick to balance out this post. 
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#3
05-11-2007, 11:52 PM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
[ QUOTE ]
My condolences. [/ QUOTE ] Seconded.
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#5
05-12-2007, 01:21 AM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
[ QUOTE ]
As I walked in and saw all this I became completely overwhelmed with grief. I have been to funerals before, but rarely for someone my age. I found myself overcome with sadness. It was so intense. I had to leave, as I could not compose myself and everyone else was pretty mellow. I attribute this to two things: They live here (SLC) and watched and knew of his slow demise, and they are all LDS and are comfortable with the "he's in a better place" concept. [/ QUOTE ] When my Mom passed away I experienced the opposite effect at her memorial service. My brothers and Dad and myself were mellow as you put it. But some of her friends were just horribly stricken with grief. On of them fell down the steps to the church and another actually fainted. And others were sobbing uncontrollably. Now most of her friends were much more religious than my family. My brothers are atheist. My Dad and I are nominally Christian. I think the difference in response has a lot more to do with proximity. My Mom had moved away from her friends and moved in with one of my brothers. We all spent a lot of time taking care of her and most of us were there when she died. So a few things happened. We were better prepared for the inevitable. And a lot of our major grieving had already happened before the memorial service. My Mom's last few weeks were pretty miserable for her but her friends never saw this. So whether my brothers are atheist or not, we all knew she was better off when she died. I imagine a lot of this applies to your friend and your feelings toward his death compared to the other people there. At the time, I actually felt pretty guilty for not being as upset as my Mom's friends.
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#6
05-12-2007, 11:48 AM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
reno,
"And it got me thinking about people who lose their kids. This must be much much worse, and I can't imagine how people get through it." Man, I have been overall pretty lucky in terms of this sort of stuff w/ people close to me, but when stuff has happened to people who are in my extended circle I've had that exact thought. Sorry for your loss and your post was far from a rambling mess. Very good and really something worth taking a step back and thinking about for many of us here.
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#7
05-12-2007, 03:03 PM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
It is hard to grapple with the fact that in 100 years, all of us will be dust. I decided not long after my father died (suddenly, cause of intense grief on my part for quite a while) that I would do my best to meet my end with grace and discipline, without complaint.
That sort of assumes I know when it's coming. If one of my chidren died before me, I would expect my life to go to [censored] right away and stay there for whatever else of it there might be. I really do not see how I would recover from that blow.
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#9
05-13-2007, 03:18 AM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
Sorry for your loss, it sounds like you lost one of those precious few who's "been through the trenches" with you and might truly have understood and appreciated you for who you are. I haven't lost anyone that close to me, but imagine that it would be very difficult, especially since it would serve as a stirring reminder of my own mortality, and the 'unfairness' of life.
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#10
05-13-2007, 03:24 AM
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Re: The incredible power of grief
[ QUOTE ]
It is hard to grapple with the fact that in 100 years, all of us will be dust. I decided not long after my father died (suddenly, cause of intense grief on my part for quite a while) that I would do my best to meet my end with grace and discipline, without complaint. [/ QUOTE ] I believe this lessens the grief your family will have. My 86 year old grandpa died in March. He was a man of a OB/GYN for over 40 years and delivered ~ 20,000 children. He was a man of science. His work was centered around bringing life into the world and dealing with the consequences of that process going wrong. To this end, he gave us the distinct impression that death was nothing to fear. He would rather be dead than face the drudgery of a nursing home. He took his final years with exactly that; grace. He was open about death and his wishes. His condition was deteriorating and he got to the point in which we needed someone to stay with him. He died less than a week after that hire. I choose to believe that he made a subconscious decision to expire and not be burdensome to our family. Ultimately, the way he carried himself made his passing so much easier on our family. He was beyond spectacular and I miss him daily, but the grief is absent. He lived a great life and lived how he wanted until his death. WRT OP, A good friend of mine's father had a fatal cancer that took him after about 12 months. Seeing their family after his death was tragic. Although they weren't as emotional than the two friends I had that have died since the beginning of high school. Worst cannot describe the pain in the eyes of their parents and siblings. I believe those, as they came out of nowhere, showed me the worst grief has to offer.
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