Long Distance Relationships

[adsman]

Hey all,

After my Canadian girlfriend nightmare I vowed to never find myself in a long distance relationship again. Well, it looks as if I'm slipping into one. She's Polish and would you know it, she lives in Poland. I live in Italy. One way it's about 12 hours by car. At least it's an improvement over the 18 hour flight between Cairns and Vancouver which marked my last effort.

I'd like to make this work in some way. I really like this girl. So apart from trying to avoid massive phone bills, what are the tricks to keeping a long distance relationship going? We both have our own lives, I just can't visualise myself moving to Poland. The crappy thing about a long distance relationship is that at the back of your mind there's always the thought of who is going to be the one to move.

So has anyone succesfully had a long distance relationship? What are the pitfalls to watch out for? Is anyone in a long distance relationship now? If so, how's it going? Do you think that something will come of it?

I haven't as yet committed myself to this relationship. It is evolving. But I know that if I let myself I will fall for this girl very hard indeed.

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[Patrick del Poker Grande]

When I was first dating my wife, we were about a 12-hour drive away from each other (but still in the same state!). We spent a lot of time on the phone and there were several long weekends and spring breaks together. We were only long-distance for about 5 or 6 months, though, before we pretty much moved in together. I think it just takes an ability to spend a lot of time on the phone (how we did it, I don't know), plenty of trips to actually see each other, and a certain amount of trust in what's going on when you're not there.

[Arnfinn Madsen]

Poland has many great places, so you shouldn't rule out moving, just be prepared that the language is insanely difficult.

I was in a very serious long distance-relationship and what sucked about it after awhile was how extraordinary everything was when we met, rented nice suites, ate all meals in expensive restaurants etc.. This was fun for half a year or so, but it got better when we toned down our meetings, visit the other one while he was working, eat some normal food at home etc., then we came more into eachother's everyday life and it all felt closer. This way it became liveable, but still we figured out that we had to move together and I think our relationship would have ended if we hadn't.

[dustyn]

My experience with long distance relationships is they can work...for a while. After a certain length of time (which obviously varies on the couple, in my mind it's 6-18 months) the relationships cap out and it becomes very difficult to "progress" to any next stage - things stagnate. Eventually you run out of things to talk about and the lack of face-to-face interaction that would often be filled in between the "talking" starts to come into play due to this plateau of the relationship. I think this is a major pitfall of a relationship: while it's fine to start in a distance relationship, there has to be some feasibility in terms of one person relocating to be with the other. If both people are in a situation where they will not or can not move to be near the other person, I think eventually the relationship becomes unsustainable.

Phone, IM, online games (even silly things like yahoo scrabble, etc. can be fine) are all decent ways to pass the time and build a bond. I think it's easier at first since you're still getting to know each other and have TONS to talk about - but eventually a lot of the interesting stuff has already been discussed. Reading the same articles, books, discussing that are other things that may be helpful.

[lennytheduck]

I know you are trying to avoid using the phone, but if you both have easy access to a computer then you should check out
Skype

Just about everyone I know uses this when they travel abroad to stay in touch with friends and family; a lot of people use it to talk about hands with friends while playing poker as well. It's easy and most importantly it's free.

[KittyKat]

I've been with RJ for a little over 7 months now, we're many states apart and it's working. Just from the chick perspective, this is what I needed to make this work:
- frequent communication. We talk on the phone several times a day. we talk on aim, we exchange emails, we text. If he wasn't the type of guy that enjoyed talking to me alot, it just wouldn't work.
- We try to see each other as often as possible. At least once a month, usually more than that.
- we plan to someday be together. This is really important to me. If we were just dating and it was very "meh, whatever" no future no purpose, it wouldn't be worth it. But I love him, and I know that we're apart now, but we'll be together someday. And that makes it worth, because long distance relationships by themself kinda suck.

Years ago, a coworker who was engaged to a guy who lived a few states away told me that one of the hardest things about long distance relationships is that when you finally see each other, you expect total perfection, and if it's just normal you feel let down. I think she was right, and I try to just enjoy spending time with RJ and not get caught up in thinking it's always got to be perfect.

[SuperUberBob]

People are very different in person relative to through a complex of wires and instant messenging.

I can assure you that. I've seen some LDR become total disasters and some have been real life marriages.

YMMV

[Isura]

[ QUOTE ]

I haven't as yet committed myself to this relationship. It is evolving. But I know that if I let myself I will fall for this girl very hard indeed.

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Sounds like you should go for it. You don't fall in love very often.

[ArturiusX]

Firstly, I think a distinction needs to be made between "indefinite long distance" and "temporary long distance".

The former very very rarely works, because people just need other people. The thought of not knowing whats going to happen, when that person will be there, how its going to work out drives most people crazy. The later is more workable because people tend to act less sane. Say if you knew in 2 years time you could get together permanently, its much easier to work towards that 'goal' then it is when your SO just started college and probably going to go to grad school.

Also, the younger you are, the less inclined you should be to persue it. If you're 18-19, don't do it. Ever. Just don't. If its really meant to be, keep her number/email, and go for her later after college or after you get more flexability on where you can live. If you're older, and pretty sure of who you are and what relationship you guys will be, patience is ok, but you need to have a plan.

Of course, if you're a desperate loser who is just happy to have a female you can call your girlfriend, and don't really care about this stuff like 'having fun' and 'meeting people' go ahead and have a long distance relationship, it'll probably suit your borish personality.

[SoloAJ]

[ QUOTE ]
and don't really care about this stuff like 'having fun' and 'meeting people' go ahead and have a long distance relationship, it'll probably suit your borish personality.

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Good post throughout, but this part made me make a face. This was definitely me (and still is somewhat). I am just not very big on meeting new people at college. I do it through classes and stuff, but in terms of going to parties and stuff, I find that beyond boring. So it is funny you added that.

Anyway, I don't know there are some really good point int his thread. I thought a long distance relationship was working out very well for me. I didn't feel that it was too huge of a pressure or anything for my personality. However, I think eventually there is sort of a plateau like someone else mentioned.

You get to the point where you're talking so often to make up for the lack of face time that you start having only daily stuff to talk about. And then once you get together it just isn't the same as it was when you first started out the relationship.

While I documented (via graph) the relationship in OOT, and therefore showed its collapse, I didn't personally have a huge issue with LDR. She seems to have in the end, shrug.

I think if you really like the girl you should give it a whirl. Like someone said, it isn't often that you can really develop strong feelings for someone, and if you have nothing else in the way right now...give it a whirl? What is the worst that can happen?