Why do I hate failure? And how do I learn to accept it?

[poker-penguin]

OK. I'll try and keep this somewhat short.

I hate failure. This is way beyond a healthy dislike.

This affects all aspects of my life, so it's a character trait rather than a poker knowledge issue. In many ways, because it so obviously depends on chance, I can disassociate my short term results in poker from my efforts (a little bit at least, red numbers still sting).

Even when I KNOW that trying and failing is a necessary and likely outcome, I still can't stand it.

Also, even when failure is not necessarily my fault (for example poker, sports, etc), I still blame myself.

Obviously this is not healthy. I mean yes, this hatred / fear has motivated me to various achievements, but it has also crippled me in other ways (mostly with women and not following through on business ideas I have had, but other things too).

I've known this for a long time but it's really starting to piss me off, maybe I don't have the courage to accept failure, I don't know.

Not really sure what I am looking for out of this thread. Anyone had simillar experiences (especially if you know any exercises / tips to help me get over this).

[AceofSpades]

What does failure mean to you?

[poker-penguin]

It means that I'm inadequate to whatever the task / goal I set myself required.

That I could have tried harder, or been better prepared, or set more realistic goals.

[smartalecc5]

Amen to you. I love carnival games. God damn do I just want to beat those carnies. Its not the prizes I care about, it's just that I want to win so damn badly. I've bought three carnival books on how to beat the games.

In high school, I was the only one competitive in gym class.

In scrabble, I get pissed off if I find a higher-scoring word that I missed. Even worse is when I lose.

Same goes to poker- I hate losing. I'm trying to deal with the bad beats but it gets tough when the come right after another. :'(

So ya, I'm super competitive but thats ok. You need that drive to become the best you can be.

[DipsetByrdGame]

OH MY GOD POKERPENGUIN THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE. The only problem I dont have is the one with women, because my game is getting better because I am older and smarter now. But I still feel the exact same way about losing. I swear to god I feel like WPEX is rigged sometimes. WHENEVER I have a winning day, the next time I play I feel like I am 100% guarenteed to lose, and I have never won two days in a row. Maybe it is psychological, maybe it is actually rigged, maybe I am defeating myself because I am looking too much on past experiences at not at the present one. Like Sklasnky said in his book poker fools the brains learning curve. If you find any way to solve your problem PLEASE let me know. I am getting so fed up with poker that even smoking weed after my losses I am finding myself still irritated (sometimes.) I have ADD, so that makes it a little worse. I'd say im about 45% to keep playing, 55% to quit, even though I genuinely believe in myself that I can be a successful player if I put my mind to it, and I always crush live games. Maybe it is because I need my reads, or maybe there is something about online poker I am just completly missing. I don't see how so many things could be different about the same game, but I think I am beginning to. Thanks for your post, I feel you dude.

[Praxis101]

[ QUOTE ]

This affects all aspects of my life, so it's a character trait rather than a poker knowledge issue. In many ways, because it so obviously depends on chance, I can disassociate my short term results in poker from my efforts (a little bit at least, red numbers still sting).

Even when I KNOW that trying and failing is a necessary and likely outcome, I still can't stand it.

Also, even when failure is not necessarily my fault (for example poker, sports, etc), I still blame myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

From these words, it seems the root of the majority of the problem lies in your definition of failure.

Losing money in poker != failure. Really, it should not be associated with "winning" or "losing" at all .

This seems to be your main problem. You say in your post that you've learned to dissasociate losing money with failure, but you go on to contradict that.

Trying and failing is not a necissary OR likely outcome. Failure in poker is related to making poor plays. Over the course of months, or years perhaps, losing money can be equated with failure I suppose. Over a handful of weeks, though, losing money is meaningless.

You will feel much better about yourself - AND your poker playing will almost certainly improve - if you can train yourself to truely dissasociate regular swings with failure. They are not related (unless you really are making poor decisions at the table, but that's another story.)

[poker-penguin]

Intellectually I know all the arguments, long term, +EV, all that stuff, it makes sense to me, I promise.

I can do it when analysing a hand I played, I can even take a day where I played well and things didn't work out. Put a couple of those in a row though and I start doubting myself. Yes it happens that quickly, one of the big reasons I couldn't progress as a pro was that I couldn't put volume in during periods of bad luck because I was terrified they were bad play and I might be failing.

It's not so much that I associate losing money 100% with failing, I'm just hyper aware of the possibility I've just been running good since December 02 (which was my first winning month). Yes, that's not rational, but a little voice keeps saying "maybe you were a winner but the games have got harder, you did get pretty lucky rivering that straight."

Oh I make bad decisions, I just make less of them than the muppets I play against and try not to make them again.