Girls refusing to move in with a guy without a ring

trapsetter · #1 04-23-2007, 10:41 PM

I am attempting to advise a good friend on a developing relationship he is having with a girl he's crazy about. They currently spend about 5-6 nights per week together but have separate places. They both are talking very seriously about moving in together. The difference of opinion however lies in the issue of being engaged. While my friend definitely foresees marrying this girl if things continue to progress at the rate they have (they've been together a little under a year), he's not sure he wants to go out and buy a ring just now. She, on the other hand, has said there is no rush to get engaged, but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

OOT's thoughts on this? Clearly he has to respect her wishes, but is she being unreasonable?

CardSharpCook · #2 04-23-2007, 10:43 PM

Good for her. Moving in too early can really slow things down and can result in one of those horrible relationships were the couple is together forever, but never gets married. Inertia is a bitch.

Apathy · #3 04-23-2007, 10:45 PM

I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

trapsetter · #4 04-23-2007, 10:50 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well they spend entire weekends together and sleep over almost every other night of the week. So in many ways they already are living together, or at least they are getting a feel for it.

I don't think she's being unreasonable. A lot of guys hold out on their girlfriends once they move in after having wrongfully used swift engagement as a carrot for the move-in. Locking down the ring prior to the move-in is actually a wise play for the girl, so long as she doesn't give an ultimatum on time. If he wants to wait a year or two before moving in, fine, but no move-in without a ring.

I don't think this is all that unreasonable personally.

[Phill] · #5 04-23-2007, 10:50 PM

If you cant live together, you shouldnt be engaged.

If you live together in bliss then the ring will follow.

I think its worse to insist on a ring without any short term intentions of marrying someone. I mean i dunno how close your friend and his bird are, but if it goes wrong when they live together they arent going to marry anyway.

I consider engagement to be a short term step before marriage. Though i openly admit ive never been in a relationship that has neared that stage.

CardSharpCook · #6 04-23-2007, 10:55 PM

I'd certainly agree with that sentiment, Phil (engagement = short step to marriage), I also agree with your first statement. However, "If you live together in bliss then the ring will follow." I don't think that this statement follows the first. First of all, "living in bliss" is a dream - doesn't happen for most of us. Second, when you're ready to get married you should be pretty confident that you can live with the girl no matter if you've lived together or not. You should know her, love her, and be confident that whatever hurdles or difficulties you two encounter, you can get through them together.

jaydub · #7 04-23-2007, 10:57 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think she's being pretty unreasonable. Engagement should be a pretty serious commitment and how is one to know if they should commit that seriously to each other without even living with each other first?

[/ QUOTE ]

Well they spend entire weekends together and sleep over almost every other night of the week. So in many ways they already are living together, or at least they are getting a feel for it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Trap,

You are young and naive. Weekends are far from cohabitation.

With that said, it depends so much on the people. A blanket statement is not possible. I view cohabitation as a step on the way to marriage. Many disagree and they are not wrong, just different.

J

XXXNoahXXX · #8 04-23-2007, 11:03 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I am attempting to advise a good friend on a developing relationship he is having with a girl he's crazy about. They currently spend about 5-6 nights per week together but have separate places. They both are talking very seriously about moving in together. The difference of opinion however lies in the issue of being engaged. While my friend definitely foresees marrying this girl if things continue to progress at the rate they have (they've been together a little under a year), he's not sure he wants to go out and buy a ring just now. She, on the other hand, has said there is no rush to get engaged, but that she won't move in under any circumstances if they are not engaged.

OOT's thoughts on this? Clearly he has to respect her wishes, but is she being unreasonable?

[/ QUOTE ]

Seems like she enjoys the freedom of having her own place.

fluffpop62 · #9 04-23-2007, 11:10 PM

I don't think that the girl is rushing him into anything. She has made her point of view very clear, and she isn't jumping at the opportunity to move in either. It seems to me that they are both being relatively mature about the whole situation; she is sticking to her guns about not cohabiting before being engaged (I don't think there's anything wrong with not cohabiting before marriage, either), and he isn't putting a ring on her finger just to have someone to do the dishes.

octopi · #10 04-23-2007, 11:11 PM

Wow, nothing says romance like forcing the dude into getting a ring.

That being said some close friends of mine dated for 4 years before getting hitched. She wouldn't move in until they were married. This was more to ease her parent's minds though and all parties were fine with it as they were both pursuing academic careers and new jobs.

So...why rush it? I'm sure they can manage to date a while longer and see how it goes.