creative writing: pacing.... part of a story i wrote

[fish2plus2]

i have been trying to listen to some stand up comedians to see how they use pacing, but i am still having a hard time using pacing myself. here is an example of something i wrote yesterday. i think it is kinda funny, but what i wrote should fill more space. i have a hard time pacing the jokes. and i feel that pacing is the key to commedy, otherwise you are just writing lame one-liners... tell me if it makes any sense whatsoever:

I should be at home right now stretching out my calves and icing my shoulders for tomorrows Lake Country Annual Body Building Competition, instead I am sitting inside a police station flipping through pages and pages of photos of Hispanic gang members. My stress levels are through the roof, and I am almost certain that my machine has turned to catabolism. I can feel the cortisol racing through my veins. Who would have thought that after busting my ass all year, a couple of taco-slinging slacks would end robbing me of a positive nitrogren balance on the day before the big dance. On television, you always see alot of whores being booked. I havent seen any tonight. The guy I am trying to identify had what looked like a burrito inked on his forehead. You would be surprised how many of them have tattoos on their head. To be completely honest, a police station isn't the best place for a guy with traces of horse steroids in his piss.

Officer Sherry was the first to speak with me and wanted to take my offical statement on the events that brought me here, but I told her that I would be more comfortable with a male officer. I think she understood, because she had a very motherly way about her. She had platinum blonde hair cut very short like a Marine, nice forearm definition and what seemed like a very positive attitude. I could tell from her staunch shoulders and straight posture that she was no stranger to iron bars. I asked her if she worked out at Fly's Gym on 134th street, but it turns out that she works out at a gym they have set up in the police station. I ask her what kind of equipment they have down there, and she says just anything you would want to use. I ask her if they have a body fat calculator. She says yes. Which model I ask her? She didnt know. Wall to wall mirrors? Yes. Is it open to the public? Not that she is aware of, although I guess if I knew someone than they could get me inside. She sort of does a half smile at me when she says someone, and runs a hand over her hair, and sort of scratches behind her ear which I took as a visual cue of interest. I ask her if the department is looking for any new meat. She says that they are always on the lookout for a few good men and that I should call to find out more information. How many years has she been at it? She says ten years and I am in awe. I ask her if my child record would prevent me to joining up. She says it depends and what did I do.

For a moment, I thought I was falling in love. Truth be told, underneath the rought exterior, I am a bit of a romantic at heart. You wouldn't believe it to look at me, but despire my rock solid one hundred and fifty pound physique, I am actually quite shy around women. Although in the last few monthes my game has made some dramatic improvements. I just woke up one day and decided that enough was enough, so I headed over the book barn on Wilson Ave. and picked up several books on the art of dating and picking up chicks. I have to admit that I made a few physical adjustments. First, I invested in a few pairs of Levi jeans, and some long sleve t-shirts from The Gap. I also got a Van Dutch Belt, and I took my t-shirt in the front into my pants. One of the keys to picking up chicks to take advantage of any situation, even inside a police station. Anytime a hot piece of tail is around you, you want her to notice you. Little Sherry with bulging biceps is a good example. You want to engage her in intelligent conversation, and allow her to talk about herself. That is why I asked her what is her leg routine. She told me she was busy and had other people to see before the night was over, but I wanted to stay in control. I gave her a crooked smile, and casually asked "What is your amino acid supplementation?" A line like that can really floor a chick like Sherry. She started to chuckle, which gave me a chance to open my fanny pack and offer her some flaxseed.

[Dan.]

I really didn't find this funny at all, but I'm a comedy snob.

[dinopoker]

Sorry dude, you're whiffing at this one. Instead of listening to comics, read comedic authors. The engergy level of a stage performance is hard to reproduce in print - you have to be more subtle (IMO).

[Boris]

Awesome.

[Actual God]

Be relentless editing this down.

Also are you sure you want this to be comedy?

[fish2plus2]

problem with reading other commedy authors is its impossible to maintain your own tone. you just end up hearing them in your head when you start to write.

[fish2plus2]

have any of you read george saunders civilwarland in bad decline? that is a really funny story. that is a style of pacing i am trying to emulate. it is not that slow or subtle, but the jokes catch you by surprise, arent predicatable or cliche.

[Somebody]

[censored] genre conventions is fine and all, but your writing in this piece suffers from a grievous lack of fluency--there isn't clarity or coherence, mostly just confusion. At times it seems like it has pretensions to short-fiction, at other times like you are rushing through a banal delivery of some weak comic set piece, and as a reader I enjoy neither the ride nor the destination.

I'd suggest reading some Garrison Keillor or the essays of David Foster Wallace, or even old Lewis Grizzard pieces to see some masterly examples of American humorists writing in very idiosyncratic styles. Then I'd suggest adopting, no matter how templatic, some basic narrative conventions in keeping with your goals for the piece, and hewing to them.

Also, an agglomeration of cliches is seldom enough to engage the reader and rarer still impresses him or her as either parodic or humorous.

[NT!]

KKF

There were a few things that seemed out-of-place or factually inconsistent. Like, the body builder only weighs 150 pounds? And why does he spend so long talking to her if he requested to speak with a male officer?

Your paragraphs are way long. And there are a few totally out of place lines, like the last one in the first paragraph. It's not a bad line, but it goes somewhere else.

I think the premise has some merit, describing things in the body-builder type terminology (although I don't know enough about it to say whether it's accurate or not). I think the first paragraph is the strongest part. After that it loses a little bit of direction. We should probably find out why you're there a little sooner, or, if you're withholding that info for comedic effect, we should get a few hints, to let the reader know you haven't forgotten to tell the story.

[Sigurd]

I'm propably not your target audience for this kind of stuff (I'm the kind of guy who thinks that Douglas Adams was the greatest writer of all times).

Is there only one joke/punchline in the entire text?