Artists in Relationships...Remind Me Why We Try?

[thecincykiddo]

Something I've been kicking around awhile. This is my first post. Here we go...

I've been working up the courage to talk to someone for a long time now, and I keep running into the same wall. We're both artists. We want similar things out of life, but we have completely different approaches. It's really easy to get lost in a lot of the goings-on of the artistic world in which we live. What's most terrible about all of this is that it has been so long now since I first started having feelings for my would-be shack snack that I may have overplayed my hand. But that's my problem, not yours, 2+2.

But it has me thinking about how hard it can be for two artists to really meet each other halfway, especially when each person is really used to being in control of something that we're trying to make beautiful. It's not the same as with "ordinary people"...

I hope this is making some sort of sense. It's got me pretty frustrated, so much so that I might be losing my ability to talk as straight as I'd like to, and that's not a good thing. It seems possible that this might be the wrong crowd. Not the wrong forum, but perhaps the wrong crowd, but it might be cool to try and see where a general conversation about artists trying to get together could go.

Your thoughts, 2+2?

[kerowo]

Don't try to finish their work. Don't critique their work. Don't give them "hints" or "suggestions." Don't try and be their muse, don't listen to what they say about your work. Don't try and please them with your work. If you like what they are doing say so, if you don't like what they are doing tell them you like it.

From your post it doesn't sound like either of you are mature enough to accept input/criticism from other people or know how to give it without taking it personally. So don't give it to them and don't listen to what they say about your work.

You don't have to colaborate with this person even if you are sleeping with them. Because you share a bed doesn't mean you share an artistic vision. If you do make the mistake of trying to do work with this person don't try to show them up, even if this means letting them take the lead when you feel you should. However, again, you don't sound like you're in a place where you can share your process with someone. So don't.

When building a relationship with someone you are trying to forge common ground with them, not compete with them. Build some trust with them before you try and attack their sacred cows. I worked in the theater for a long time and it was very common for actors to be in strong relationships so it is possible. You may just have to wait until you realize your artistic flame isn't going to set the world on fire but it might keep you and a partner warm.

edited for typo

[katyseagull]

I'm sitting here trying to remember my artist friends and how their relationships work. I have only known a few artists. My artist friends are pretty intense and opinionated. In their relationships I would say that there is typically a dominant one and a passive one. When I used to hang around my father's artist friends, I remember thinking how supportive and helpful they were towards each other. It always stuck with me. Artists can be extremely encouraging and supportive of their mates.

[thecincykiddo]

kerowo,

All good advice that I've given myself in hindsight, except for one thing: artistic vision. Why I ever thought that two people in a relationship would have to share that? I don't know. It seemed like a pretty great idea at the onset.


katy,

I see way too many dominant/passive relationships these days, too. I don't want to dominate anyone any more than I would want to be dominated, but I think I may have slipped into some passivity here.

It seems that the kind of support and encouragement that a couple of artists can give each other should be enough to outweigh a lot of obstacles, but it also seems like that's harder and harder for people to do. I don't know if this is a result of the cost of living having gone up without the compensation matching it or what. Older friends of mine talk about that a lot, how much harder it is for people to make a living these days than even just 30 years ago.

[pryor15]

cincy,

1. what types of artists? (also, i had no idea you were an artist, but i'm not surprised at all)

2. wow...there's a lot of stuff at play here...um...i was gonna ask another question, but i'll wait until the answer to the first one or i sober up a bit, whichever comes first

[thecincykiddo]

pryor,

What types of artists is part of the problem. If I were a glass-blower for instance, I wouldn't care so much that a sculptor or mixed media artist or musician couldn't share a vision with me or work with me to any degree of satisfaction on my part. But we're both writers and actors (sometimes) and we both practice photography and work with film. It's like we were shaped from the same stardust, but can't even just say "hey, how the hell are you?" and "why the [censored] haven't we ever even tried to be alone together before?" and a couple of other questions just begging to be asked. Really simple stuff.

But, to attempt to answer your question, most kinds of artists, I think are susceptible to these kinds of problems. Just seems to go with the territory.

[tarheeljks]

[ QUOTE ]
pryor,

What types of artists is part of the problem. If I were a glass-blower for instance, I wouldn't care so much that a sculptor or mixed media artist or musician couldn't share a vision with me or work with me to any degree of satisfaction on my part. But we're both writers and actors (sometimes) and we both practice photography and work with film. It's like we were shaped from the same stardust, but can't even just say "hey, how the hell are you?" and "why the [censored] haven't we ever even tried to be alone together before?" and a couple of other questions just begging to be asked. Really simple stuff.

But, to attempt to answer your question, most kinds of people, I think are susceptible to these kinds of problems. Just seems to go with the territory of.

[/ QUOTE ]

i feel your pain, but am somewhat irked by the fact that the initial post seems to imply that your status as an artist makes it such that non-artists cannot empathize with your plight. sorry if this looks like a flame; it is not meant to be one. i just need to understand why the fact that you and your significant are artists makes this dilemma so much different than others.

[pryor15]

cincy,

i was hoping for your sake you weren't a "storytelling" artist

i think part of it is you have to be able to separate your professional life and your personal life. you have to be able to make a distinction

will they overlap? absolutely

maybe part of what you're experiencing is why actors, etc., have a higher ratio of failed relationships...in order to be any good at all we have to be able to make ourselves vulnerable and everything, and that can create a lot of issues

when i start to get involved with girls i warn them that they may very well see themselves on screen, b/c, well, that's part of the deal w/ dating an artist.

[thecincykiddo]

pryor,

this isn't just some girl.

i don't go through partners like candy.

[thecincykiddo]

tarheel,

all relationships are hard, so that's not what i meant. but i'm talking about what essentially amounts to a third being involved in people's lives, one that isn't a child.