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#1
02-16-2007, 01:13 AM
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I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
Prompt : Narrate something significant that just happened to you, describe.
It was like I was wrestling again. My hands and feet were ice cold, and my heart was thumping. I could feel my heartbeats choking their way up through my stomach and then crawl up my back and lock in at the base of my throat. They stayed there thumping as I watched the 215 finals match. I stood stalk still silent and waiting. The gym was packed floor to ceiling but it was near silence while the final matches were being wrestled. Then it happened, I snapped back into action mode when the match was announced. “Now wrestling the championships at 275 pounds, Jack Man from Hampshire.” I had to pee again. I had been making trips from the gym to the bathroom as soon as he qualified. I had the path memorized, and the 7th trip to the urinal was no different. I had gone to this bathroom five times in the last half hour alone. I found my way to the same urinal, the one to the far left with the crack in the wall running past the back of it. I washed my hands in the same sink and looked at myself in the same mirror. As I was pressing on the second double door to leave, I had to go again. After using the bathroom again, I walked out and saw him standing there warming up. I looked at him squeezed his shoulders and we locked eyes. “There is nothing for me to say to you right?” “Right coach.” He said in the most quite voice I have ever come out of his massive 275 pound body. “You know how to wrestle right?” “Right coach” came the reply a little early, still quiet, but gaining in confidence. “Go get him!” When he went out and shook hands with his opponent, I went deaf, and I forgot where I was. I didn’t care how I looked, or I my voice was going to squeak when I shouted moves. We were going to win! “Its there use it!” I screamed when he locked up with his challenger. I had watched the Southwick 275 wrestled four matches; I had studied him looking for gaps. 48 minutes I watched him wrestle, I examined his stance and style; close to ten hours of discussion spanning two days, all about this one opponent. Scouting him along with the other coaches, looking at records comparing common opponents, and all I could do was shout “Its there use it!” But he listened, and I would like to think that I helped; that my analysis examination and tips allowed for this opportunity. It was the Southwick kid’s [censored] stance. His left elbow was high, and he would leave it out there letting it hang high. Jack’s 275 pound body moved like a ballerina for a quarter of a second. He hit his move, we were going to win! 
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#2
02-16-2007, 01:38 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
next time someone makes this type of post, write a good story. Again, this isn't a journal/diary entry.
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#5
02-16-2007, 01:42 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
Solid.
However, I feel like the first sentence is somehow wrong. When I read the first paragraph I expected this to be some kind of emergency situation that caused a rush similar to what you used to feel when you were wrestling, but then it was actually about wrestling. Just my two cents, I'm far from a writer though. ken
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#6
02-16-2007, 02:03 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
[ QUOTE ]
Solid. However, I feel like the first sentence is somehow wrong. When I read the first paragraph I expected this to be some kind of emergency situation that caused a rush similar to what you used to feel when you were wrestling, but then it was actually about wrestling. Just my two cents, I'm far from a writer though. ken [/ QUOTE ] Thats kind of what i am trying to convey, it was like i was out there with him.... does that make sense? like i was wrestling, even though i was helpless... does that come off at all?
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#7
02-16-2007, 02:15 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ] Solid. However, I feel like the first sentence is somehow wrong. When I read the first paragraph I expected this to be some kind of emergency situation that caused a rush similar to what you used to feel when you were wrestling, but then it was actually about wrestling. Just my two cents, I'm far from a writer though. ken [/ QUOTE ] Thats kind of what i am trying to convey, it was like i was out there with him.... does that make sense? like i was wrestling, even though i was helpless... does that come off at all? [/ QUOTE ] Yes it definitly comes through, but its almost to obvious. I think I would have started with something like, "I could feel the chalk under my finger tips" ( if they use chalk, I don't know) or some smaller detail of what its like to be wrestling. Ken
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#9
02-16-2007, 03:14 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
[ QUOTE ]
Cliffs plz [/ QUOTE ] Wrestling coach takes a bunch of pisses, watches some 275-pound dude wrestle like a ballerina, studies Southwick guy, shouts “use it” and his buddy probably wins the match.
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#10
02-16-2007, 03:26 AM
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Re: I wrote a story (kinda) what does OOT think?
There are too many grammatical errors to give you an accurate description of what you have written. For example, look at the following sentence;
[ QUOTE ] I looked at him squeezed his shoulders and we locked eyes. [/ QUOTE ] First of all, you need to start using comma's correctly. This sentence should read; I looked at him, squeezed his shoulders, and we locked eyes. But there are other things wrong with this sentence. If you squeeze someones shoulders you normally have to be standing behind them. So how did they lock eyes? If you were standing in front of him and squeezed his shoulders, how did he not see you beforehand? You must make your story believable to the reader, not just to yourself.
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