Tales From Customer Service Hell, My 5 least favorite phone calls

[Dids]

So I supervise a small team that along with other stuff does some front line customer service phone crap. One of my pet retards has Friday off, which means that unless I'm feeling totally evil, I have to step in and do a phone shift. I hate the phones, because frankly, our website is pretty good and the only people that call us are the ingrates too stupid to use the internet. As a coping mechanism, I present my 5 least favorite phone calls.

1- The unprepared guy:

You'd think I'd called him. He's stammering, he doesn't really know what he's calling about, and he's not really sure what his question is. If he's trying to schedule something, he doesn't have his calendar in front of him. If he needs to take notes he has no pen. I feel like hanging up and telling him to come back when he's actually ready. There's a variation of this guy called "The Stoned Dude" but I like him a little more.

2- The unsympatheic ferrin person:

America is a fantastic melting pot full of amazing cultures and yada yada yada I CAN'T [censored] UNDERSTAND YOU IF YOU WON'T AT LEAST SLOW THE [censored] DOWN WHEN YOU SPEAK. I'm more than willing to work with somebody for whom english isn't their first language, but it's a two way street. You've gotta realize that you're [censored] hard to understand, and at least make some effort to be intelligable.

3- The Mom.

Your kid is 21. They're taking a college level course. They can do this themselves and don't need you all up in their business. [censored] the hell off. Bonus points if their kid is a giant [censored] and they're trying to make some excuse for why little Chester didn't do any work all quarter.

4- The Grievously Wronged Lecturer:

Somewhere along the way we've [censored] up. This happens on occasion. Can we fix your problem? Sure. Is it fixed? Yes. Do you still want to bitch for 5 minutes about what happened even if it delays actually moving forward? [censored] YEAH! (this is usually somebody internat) [censored] happens Zippy, shut the [censored] up and let's move on.

5- The I Don't Want to Go to VoiceMail Douche:

Sometimes there's only one or two people who can answer your question. Sometimes those people have meetings, lunches or vacation. Sometimes we can't use our magic answering wands and conjure up somebody to give you an answer right now. LEAVE A [censored] VOICE MAIL! Do not press zero to come right back to me, do not call back and hope that somebody else has a better answer. When we transfer you to the person best suited to answer your question, we're not just pressing random buttons. Leave a message, go find the stoned guy, smoke a bowl and wait a bit. Gosh.

[gumpzilla]

I would be curious to hear your experiences on the customer side of customer service.

[hoopsie44]

I feel your pain. Spent six years in a Verizon call center until I got paroled via a generous buyout.

[Howard Beale]

Whoa. Sometimes I've got to call customer service. Now I know that I'm not necessarily speaking to Mr. Happy like I thought I was. I try to be concise and clear but now I think I'll toss in a bit of Mr. Grumpy just to get even for the charade.

[Dids]

Gump,

I'm a very nice, very prepared customer. I've been that way since I had my first service industry job at like 17 and realize how [censored] annoying people can be.

I'm also very friendly on the phone with our customers. It's just that I vent a lot after I hang up.

[KotOD]

[ QUOTE ]
So I supervise a small team that along with other stuff does some front line customer service phone crap. One of my pet retards has Friday off, which means that unless I'm feeling totally evil, I have to step in and do a phone shift. I hate the phones, because frankly, our website is pretty good and the only people that call us are the ingrates too stupid to use the internet. As a coping mechanism, I present my 5 least favorite phone calls.

1- The unprepared guy:

You'd think I'd called him. He's stammering, he doesn't really know what he's calling about, and he's not really sure what his question is. If he's trying to schedule something, he doesn't have his calendar in front of him. If he needs to take notes he has no pen. I feel like hanging up and telling him to come back when he's actually ready. There's a variation of this guy called "The Stoned Dude" but I like him a little more.

2- The unsympatheic ferrin person:

America is a fantastic melting pot full of amazing cultures and yada yada yada I CAN'T [censored] UNDERSTAND YOU IF YOU WON'T AT LEAST SLOW THE [censored] DOWN WHEN YOU SPEAK. I'm more than willing to work with somebody for whom english isn't their first language, but it's a two way street. You've gotta realize that you're [censored] hard to understand, and at least make some effort to be intelligable.

3- The Mom.

Your kid is 21. They're taking a college level course. They can do this themselves and don't need you all up in their business. [censored] the hell off. Bonus points if their kid is a giant [censored] and they're trying to make some excuse for why little Chester didn't do any work all quarter.

4- The Grievously Wronged Lecturer:

Somewhere along the way we've [censored] up. This happens on occasion. Can we fix your problem? Sure. Is it fixed? Yes. Do you still want to bitch for 5 minutes about what happened even if it delays actually moving forward? [censored] YEAH! (this is usually somebody internat) [censored] happens Zippy, shut the [censored] up and let's move on.

5- The I Don't Want to Go to VoiceMail Douche:

Sometimes there's only one or two people who can answer your question. Sometimes those people have meetings, lunches or vacation. Sometimes we can't use our magic answering wands and conjure up somebody to give you an answer right now. LEAVE A [censored] VOICE MAIL! Do not press zero to come right back to me, do not call back and hope that somebody else has a better answer. When we transfer you to the person best suited to answer your question, we're not just pressing random buttons. Leave a message, go find the stoned guy, smoke a bowl and wait a bit. Gosh.

[/ QUOTE ]

I too, supervise a small crew of front-line support guys and these are the two types that are invariably escalated to me on a daily basis:


The Patsy - There is an issue that needs attention, yet no one relevant to the department or system can be made available to deal with it. Instead, they assign a random patsy to call support and get resolution. The Patsy has no idea how the system works, has no idea what the actual problem is, only the description on the email he received from a supervisor. He has no details on background or usage, just that there's a problem. He cannot answer any questions about anything relevant to the call.

The Bully - an employee that calls in and tries to swing his big dick around by saying that he will call someone higher up if he's not happy right NOW. Also, as a last resort will claim that he is going to get someone very high up in his company to "place a call".

[Butcho22]

I've taken customer service calls before...

To live through it, you have to be a machine. A machine with no feelings whatsoever about your callers attitude or stupidity level.

But damn does it suck...no commission, and you have to be friendly at all times..because it's CUSTOMER SERVICE!

[skunkworks]

I'm so very lucky that the users I end up having to support are almost all very nice -- I think this might be because our product targets the medical industry. My company also happens to make a fantastic product that I stand by 100%, and that makes supporting it much easier since I don't have to fake any enthusiasm. Also, our product is fairly easy to diagnose because we can remotely access the device, so that way we don't have to rely on users to be our eyes and ears (thankfully, since many are not knowledgeable).

[adsman]

You guys are lucky. At least you get to eventually hang up on them. Try rafting for a living and see how you go.

1. The Scared Mother.
The scared mother is scared for her children. She doesn't want her darling babies to drown. Oh really? Well if you're so worried about them, why the feck did you bring them rafting? But the thing is that this is all a big lie. It's not the children who are scared, it's mum. The kids are having a great time. That is until we hit a little wave and mum goes into a spatic attack under the guise of being worried for her darling babies. Who weren't worried before but hell, now they sure are. And on and on we go.

2. The Really Fat Dude.

Why put yourself through it? Why go through the sheer and utter social humiliation of us trying to fit you into the largest wetsuit that we have? And then turn around and berate us when you can't get in it. The only thing cool here is when I make them do the squat and grip test. Squat down and back up unaided. Now grip my wrist. Can't do this? Go away then.

3. The Discount Guy.

The discount guy knows someone. He's not sure who, but they're there somewhere. That someone is connected in some way with the rafting company and through them he was promised a discount because he did this and on and on and on. So we give him a token discount to shut him up. But it doesn't stop there. Now he wants a free T-shirt and this and that and on and on and on.

4. The Wanna-Be Rafting guide.

This individual is a kayaker. Or they've been rafting a few times and think they're an expert. They sit at the front of the raft and they do only one thing - they try and correct their guides "mistakes." It doesn't take very long to work out that some fool is attempting to steer your raft from the front. Usually I'll just get him to stop. Sometimes I'll take away their paddle for a short time. A few times I've pulled my raft over to the side of the river and invited them up the back to have a shot at steering through the next class 5 rapid. Usually the rest of the crew is not cool with this idea.

5. Drunk and Coked up Guy.

Nothing much to say here. Usually a nightmare.

6. Ugly Girl who wants to get laid.

No matter how many times yopu throw your ugly arse out of the boat, I'm not diving in to save you.

7. Testosterone Crew.

This is a bunch of big, strong tough guys with no brain between them. They do not listen to you, they do what they want. Because they are big and tough and out to get trashed. When you say paddle forwards, they do the opposite. Apparently this is supposed to be funny. Can you see me laughing yet? Get ready to flip in that big, nasty, hole that's coming up.

[mindflayer]

So I am on the phone this morning to customer service.
I chose the "English" option.
The guy who picks up the phone has a HEAVY accent. Not sure where from so I ask him what city he is in. He says Montreal so that is why I (he) has a heavy accent.
No way I think to myself that is not a french accent, this accent is more like Angolan or Congo (maybe he was from a one time French/African colony country)
Anyhoo.. we continue.

He asks me what my home number is.
I tell him.
He says no.
OK i say, I give him my home number from 10 years ago when I created the account.
he says no
Ok ill try another number.
He says yes.
I tell him that is my WORK number, not my HOME number.
He then proceeds to ask me details about the account and then asks me about the securty question.
What is your mothers name he asks.. in a heavy accent
I tell him.
He says no then yes then no.
He then asks me my visa number.
I tell him what do you mean by no thats not my mothers name?!?
I ask him do you mean my mothers Maiden name?!?
he blithers yes/no/yes again and Tell him her maiden name.
He says no thats not it.
I tell him what the hell?!? if it is not he has to fix it.
He then tells me the name starts with a J..
I tell him my sons name and he says yes thats it.
I tell him that is my SON's name, not my mothers name.
He tells me thats the password.
I tell him what do you mean?!? I tell him you asked me my mothers name and you tell me im wrong, I tell him he has to let me talk to someone who can speak english fluently.
So he says ok.. puts me on hold and eventually after 2 minutes I get disconnected from the system.

Typical.