Group project member thinks he writes better than I do, you decide.

[stephan]

I'm working in this group for a management class and we are writing an ethics paper. The team coordinator compiled all our different sections of the paper and then went to the writing workshop at school to go over the essay. After that, I made some suggestions on grammar and content, but he refused to make any changes because he said he already went over it at the writing workshop and it needed no changes.

So now, you guys get to decide. I'll post a few sections with his version, and then mine. You decide which one is better. Focus on content and grammar. I think my sentences are more grammatically correct and more fluid.




His1:
In order to effectively cater to their customers needs, Francis Vega and his staff worked around the clock and overcame immense adversity.
Mine1:
In order to effectively cater to their customers’ needs, Francis Vega and his staff worked around the clock to overcome immense adversity.


His2:
For AL Insurance Company to be able to provide exemplary customer service and overall satisfaction, it is critical that the basic needs of all employees are met.
Mine2:
For AL Insurance Company, the ability to provide exemplary customer service and overall satisfaction is critical to the basic needs of the employees.


His3:
Although, the manager authorized employee use of a washer/dryer unit in the office that was supposed to be used to satisfy a claim, the ability for the employees to use the unit was essential in establishing a high morale.
Mine3:
Although the manager authorized employee use of a washer and dryer unit that was supposed to satisfy a claim, allowing the employees use of the unit was essential to improving morale during the time of crisis.


His4:
The employees were grateful that they were able to wash their clothes, because clean clothes made them feel better about themselves and helped to offset the emotional burden that Katrina imposed on the citizens of Mississippi.
Mine4:
The employees were grateful for the ability to wash their clothes...
(I didn't finish this one because I think the content of the sentence needs a complete restructure. I think the focus should be on the improved comfort level afforded to the employees by the use of the washer/dryer instead of focusing on them being happy because they have clean clothes!! I really think that this line is so corny that we have no chance of winning the ethics contest because of it alone)


His5:
Vega and his staff, praised by Mr. Johnson as a highly dedicated and creative group, worked in a situation where provided transportation aided them in their benevolent cause [paying insurance claims is a benevolent cause?].
Mine5:
Vega and his staff, praised by Mr. Johnson for being a highly dedicated and creative group, were able to work more effectively because of the provided transportation.


His6:
For his around-the-clock employees, transportation helped them in conveniently accessing the claim sites that required the most attention.
Mine6:
For his around-the-clock employees, transportation helped them conveniently access the claim sites requiring the most attention.


His7:
Vega’s justification was flawed because the staff had to be in the office to process the claims in addition to being on the road.
Mine7:
Vega’s justification was flawed because the staff had to be in the office to process the claims and could not have been on the road all the time.