Your Worst/Best Strip Club Experience

troymclur · #1 01-01-2007, 06:56 PM

Cliffs Notes at the Bottom.

I've only been to a strip club a small handful of times, but the last venture pretty much sealed the deal for me, or incinerated the deal i guess. Much like taking 14 shots of Jim Beam and not being able to smell Whisky for the next 8 years, I get cold shivers whenever somebody offers to take me to a strip joint because of my last trip to: The Outhouse.

I was living in a small hippy college town a la Boulder Lite. School is out for break which means the party scene dies down to a whimper. So me and three friends decide to finally check out the local strip club. We convinced ourselves it would be worth the trip since it was a BYOB establishment, but we should have given more creedence to the club's name, 'The Outhouse'.

Not sure why it took us so long, since we had directions, and my friend 'totally knows where it's at', but we manage to drive around this tiny town for just over 4 hours. By the 2nd hour, it was stubborn determination, and by the 3rd, we all decided that even the wrath of God would not keep us from this place; after all, we have our own beer.

We finally find this small, dusty road that was long forgotten by any maintinence crew and come upon a shack about 5 miles out of town. When i say shack, i mean a mother-[censored] shack. The kind of place that has ceramic jugs of moonshine labeled XXX. The kind of place that serves mini mayonaise sandwiches for appitizers. The kind of place that sticks the town retard behind the bar to skirt minimum wage. The kind of place that wants you to think of a goddamned outhouse right before you walk inside.

We park, grab our beer and walk up to the front door. The doorman asks for our ID's and before i grab it i sneak a peak inside at the stage. Now, I don't know if she was pregnant, but she was definately missing exactly one tooth right in the front row of her grill, and she sure as [censored] couldn't dance. Watching my friend's dog jiggle through a seizure was more provacative than this ass-ugly belly. I would say belly dancer because her gut certainly looked like it was trying to dance, but it implies some sort of skill and sensuality. Skill was bred out of this bitch several generations ago, and sensuality packed up an left to make room for scientific curiosity, which is the only reason anybody would actually sit in this hole.

We all get a good look by now, and are completely speechless. We just couldn't believe it. Not sure what we expected from a strip club called The Outhouse, but to actually see it was unbelievable. There were a handful of splintered tables, all full of the local yokel's from around town. What i think was the manager looked like he'd just smoked a 10 pound crack rock in a windtunnel, and one of the waitresses actually had a mustard stain on her wife-beater. A [censored] mustard stain!

Without saying a word to each other, without asking or confirming our strong desire to flee, all four of us collectively turn about-face, jump into the car, and drive home in monk-like silence.

Cliffs Notes: Spent 4 hours trying to find a BYOB strip club called The Outhouse. Got there and saw the feature dancer was either pregnant, or just liked to eat mayonaise out of the jar. Left without saying a word, and am still scrubbing my eyes out with turpentine.

There is really no adaquate way to describe how godawful this place really was. I can only assure that that no part of this re-telling was even slightly embellished. So maybe in some sort of carthartic outreach some of you can share your strip club horror stories; or better yet, the Baller moments.

Big Steve · #2 01-01-2007, 07:22 PM

Oh The Memories....

OOT Link

Big Steve [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

KOTLP · #3 01-01-2007, 07:24 PM

The Outhouse is probably the craziest strip club in the U.S. straight out of a David Lynch movie. It is BYOB - people haul coolers in, bring bottles, etc., and the girls drink whatever is offered. It is in the middle of nowhere, open til 4am, and fully nude with out in the open hands on lapdances (read: you can play with boobies). Guys lay down on their backs on the stages with dollar bills in their mouths and the girls straddle their faces. Female customers regularly, uhh, interact with the strippers. I sure as hell never saw sandwiches being served, wtf did you just make that part up? It's been years since I've been, but the dancers actually used to be pretty hot considering how nasty this place is (mostly a mix of slutty KU students and KC chicks). Don't recall ever seeing a pregnant or toothless girl, but it wouldn't surprise me, heh.

Warik · #4 01-01-2007, 07:47 PM

[ QUOTE ]
hands on lapdances (read: you can play with boobies).

[/ QUOTE ]

You mean there are places that don't allow this...???

KOTLP · #5 01-01-2007, 07:53 PM

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
hands on lapdances (read: you can play with boobies).

[/ QUOTE ]

You mean there are places that don't allow this...???

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Most don't. Many don't allow lapdances at all, and those that do usually have strict no touching policies. It may happen in private rooms regardless of the local laws/club policies, but there aren't many where it's friggin advertised and out in the open.

troymclur · #6 01-01-2007, 08:01 PM

[ QUOTE ]
The Outhouse is probably the craziest strip club in the U.S. straight out of a David Lynch movie. It is BYOB - people haul coolers in, bring bottles, etc., and the girls drink whatever is offered. It is in the middle of nowhere, open til 4am, and fully nude with out in the open hands on lapdances (read: you can play with boobies). Guys lay down on their backs on the stages with dollar bills in their mouths and the girls straddle their faces. Female customers regularly, uhh, interact with the strippers. I sure as hell never saw sandwiches being served, wtf did you just make that part up? It's been years since I've been, but the dancers actually used to be pretty hot considering how nasty this place is (mostly a mix of slutty KU students and KC chicks). Don't recall ever seeing a pregnant or toothless girl, but it wouldn't surprise me, heh.

[/ QUOTE ]

no no, the retarded bartender, mayonaise sandwiches and what not were just to describe the kind of place The Outhouse evokes in ones head. I jsut remember even before i walked inside, hearing dueling banjos in my head. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

I only went once, didn't stay long enough to get a full view of the place. But, yeah, the chick on the stage had a massive f'ing gut and lost one of her teeth. It was the stain on the waitresses beater that got me though. I assume it was mustard. Though, i guess, she might not have been a witress, as i only saw her bringing a drink to a dude at one of the jankety tables. This was all about 3 years ago.

That's really crazy that you know of it. I'd never have thought somebody on here would be from Kansas, or been to lawrence specifically.

KOTLP · #7 01-01-2007, 08:05 PM

There are no waitresses. They don't serve drinks. It is BYOB. That is why they can stay open 2 hours later than the bars, be fully nude, and generally get away with the crazy [censored] that goes on there (unless it's changed in recent years).

WackityWhiz · #8 01-01-2007, 08:14 PM

Damn, you should have stayed

Klompy · #9 01-01-2007, 08:15 PM

Having the dancer steal a $100 bill from me was the worst thing I've had happen.

KOTLP · #10 01-01-2007, 08:17 PM

btw, The Outhouse is legendary, most anyone who has attended KU, or lived in KC or the Lawrence area has probably at least heard of it. LONG ago they used to have concerts there before it was turned into a strip club.

Lawrence is a very nice town, btw, lots of fun and unlike anywhere else in KS. It is way cooler than Boulder IMO (aside from being in KS).