[rothko]

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Note: I submitted this entirely unedited for the moment. It is the rough rough draft. I did this because I didn't want to start changing things before getting some options out of it.

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that's not really a good idea. it's not our job to write this thing for you. struggle with it, get it to where you feel good about it and then ask for input. this is one of the reasons that i hate responding to these things, because usually the piece needs a complete rewrite.

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I agree that the Chinese thing is a lame generalization and should just be a specific meal. Granted. Additionally, with the wife, what I was really going for was to set a scene where she is .just. finishing her meal (napkin on the plate). Any ideas for a better way to do this other than "last mouthful of soggy fried rice and put the napkin on her plate?"

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this is an example of what i am talking about. we've let you know that "Chinese food" is lame. you're the author, fix it.

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John Deere tractor I put in because I'm sort of from John Deere land. Lots and lots of kids end up with small John Deere toy tractors. I figured a two word detail would be beneficial at this point to bring local readers in a little more. Does that change the perspective any?

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the use of "John Deere" isn't the problem, rather the four words together, "toy John Deere tractor". it's too much. if you really want the brand, nix "toy" or "tractor".

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Rothko, what puncuation are you dissatisfied with?

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rewrite and then i'll get nitty.