[tshort]

hitch,

I'll spare you the details of my pre-agnostic background, but just imagine the standard guy from growing up in Kansas. My parent's never really pushed religion on me and probably attend church ~10 times a year. Two years ago I was in a very similar state of depression as you (I'm 23 now).

One night it just hit me that I would cease exist after I died and my life was meaningless in the entire context of infinity. I had panic-attacks thinking about it until the point where I was going to puke. For weeks, it was like a song I couldn't get out of my ahead. Avoiding thinking about it was no use and the worst was trying to go to sleep without watching basically passing out. I had to fall asleep watching a movie or be drunk (which was the case 4-5 nights a week).

I developed this idea that humans could potentially live forever (or save my state of consciousness in some way forever). So, I got back into really good shape by eating healthy and working out 5-6 days a week. Regardless, I was really depressed inevitably thinking about my finite consciousness. I didn't do much for a while beyond work out, sleep, and kept drinking (yes this goes against getting healthy, but going out worked as a good anti-depressant). I also stopped caring about my responsibilities. I would pay rent like 2 weeks late even though I had plenty of money (and my parent's gave me rent money). It is impossible to understand for people who haven't been through depression (even though at the time I wouldn't label myself "depressed). I think the best term is "existential crisis" and other factors in your life can make the depression even worse.

How did things change?

At first, I worried only about the short-term. At that point I though life is ultimately meaningless. I started playing more hours of poker because it was easy to make a ton of money to blow on random stuff. I lost my fear of approaching a random attractive girl at the bar. I stopped being so serious about life. Before you know it, I was enjoying life again. Thoughts of death stopped concerning me... I was too busy living.

Do I still think about it in the way it originally hit me? Definitely on occasion. It still hits me on occasion and I have the minor panic attacks. Yes, these occasional fears are horrible. You learn how to practically deal with it. In some ways the occasional thoughts of death keep me grounded in the reality of life.

Is there a philosophical answer? I haven't seen one.

If this is something that is negatively effecting your life and family, seeking help might be a good idea. I've never had a worse time period in my life than the month or two where I was thinking about everything in relation to death. There is no easy and ultimate solution in my experience.

You are definitely doing the best thing... seeking the advice of people who have contemplated these issues.

Infinite Existence Topic

Really think about the idea of living forever and you'll probably find it's a scary idea too.

Those discussing the Transhumanist movement? Do you really think you'll be able to live forever? If no, what's the difference between living 75 years and 250 years? Or 75 and 1000?


Lestat, Subfallen

You bring up the argument of "Does imagining all the time before you existed terrify you?" Obviously not. If you can accurately describe everything as finitely existing in "space time," then from my perspective we only travel in one direction of time. The terrifying part is leaving (infinitely) the state where you have consciousness.

Also, going to sleep was terrifying for me when I was in a state of depression. I had the irrational fear of never waking up. Obviously we are conditioned to realize that is irrational.

I am no longer fearful of death, but I definitely understand what hitch is experiencing. I don't know there's an easy solution to his state of mind.