Re: part of an old screenplay i wrote
I echo what Dominic said. I was a script reader for Miramax and Showtime for over 4 years and read over 1,200 complete feature screenplays. 5-10% of them were pretty good, and the rest were not good. This would fall in the not-good category. It's incredibly amateurish, and even though it has good intentions and some amusing moments, it's simply bad screenwriting.
Sorry, but that's the way it is. Screenwriting is hard. That's why the good ones make so much money. I'd suggest reading a lot more published/filmed scripts from great movies to get a feel for how it's done.
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