[jfk]

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if she asks how I did, I always say something about losing $100 or $200 or winning $100 or $200.

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My advice is never to lie to someone whom you intend to marry and to continue this policy into marriage.

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She doesn't approve of 'gambling'

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This is more of a strength than a weakness. We who do this seriously shouldn't feel that the rest of the world must immediately grasp notions of +EV and figure out that we do this for profit. Those who hold the view that gambling = losing are generally right well more than 90% of the time.

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I would like to come clean with how much I can win/lose in a given night. I have all my sessions tracked in Excel for the past 3 years, and have shown a profit every year. I do have some large losses of like $4000+ and wins of the same magnitude that might scare her.

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The Excel list would be Exhibit A and a great way to break the ice. It may even spark in her some degree of interest in what you do. You may offer to let her read one of the thirty books you have on your shelf. Those books are Exhibit B in building your case as to why your interest in poker is different than a tourist's interest in craps.

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So I know I need to be honest with her, because her finding out from one of my friends who know my activity would be 10x worse (would probably occur on a night of drinking, which would make the fight even worse).

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...hence the simple elegance of the "never lie" policy.

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So whats the best way to go about this. I don't want to do it until after xmas and us getting used to living together. But that means I will need to hide my money even better then I do now.

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See the Excel and books commentary and do not hide your money. Her seeing that you have a lot of unexplained cash about will help your case.

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Is coming straight out and explaining it to her that it is a great outlet for my competitive nature, I enjoy it as a hobby, and I make a nice side income from it as well.

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This is a perfect start.


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Buying her stuff with poker winnings wouldn't convince her of it, since she isn't the material/gold digging type.

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Which would make her a natural type to be very suspicious and wary of gambling and gamblers. Again, this is more likely to reflect strength of character and common sense than it is to be a sign of close mindedness.

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So any advice/experiences would be welcomed while I prep myself for the 'talk'. Another wrinkle in it is that I hate working 9 to 5, and she loves her line of work, so I could see eventually me being a stay at home dad who plays poker 20-30 hours a week to make an income as well.

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I know a guy who has done this. It is certainly a viable path as poker income can be a great part time job. Bear in mind however that a large portion of the outside world still views poker player as either a) seedy and/or borderline criminal or b) a made up job like "Chief Ice Cream Taster". Also consider that if you're a parent staying home to take care of your kids, that in itself will be a very demanding full time job. Yes, its viable to fit some poker into the nooks and crannies of a day but adding 20-30 hours on top of what already figures to be a pretty full day is more of a challenge than it may seem at first. There are a whole host of other issues to explore with this and it could be an essay in itself, so suffice it say that it is viable but with drawbacks.

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I don't know if it would be a deal breaker if she puts her foot down and says I can't play that much, but it just might be...I enjoy it that much.

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This is a highly personal and private decision and goes to the heart of who you are as a person. There are those who view their marriage and/or family as the most important thing in their life and make sacrifices to maintain domestic tranquility.

There are also those who view marriage/family as one segment of their lives and are willing to weigh the pros and cons of all their decisions in a relative way. If a better job comes up but its necessitates a move which is opposed by a spouse, a career driven person will put a priority on career. If someone professionally successful decides they've outgrown their current marriage and happens to stumble upon a very attractive, younger alternative to their current spouse they may elect to serve their own needs and happiness with an upgrade. Without assigning moral judgments to the above, people make these choices every day and it goes to who they are as a person. No one can help you make those choices.

Schoonmaker has written a lot about poker and its high degree of suitableness as a hobby or a part time job. It might be worth it to search out some of his older writings. Also, take a good look around the card room the next time you're there. Take a good look at the 40+ year old regular, winning players without wedding rings and judge for yourself whether you think it would be a good call to set aside a serious relationship for the opportunity to be in their shoes twenty years from now. While doing that also picture your current circle of friends and envision their lives twenty years out. Will you be content as a single man spending his waking hours predating on degenerates while everyone you've known has gone on to raise families, buy homes and mature while you've given over your life to poker? Perhaps most importantly, consider whether finding a potential wife who has a natural suspicion and aversion to gambling is a good sign of character or a flaw?