[Ben Young]

Ok, so this post is in two main parts, the first about issues with my family, and my religion, the second about my personal philosophy. For the first, I am seeking advice, and for both, general discussion. Also, I'd like to know if there's a name for the personal philosophy I attempt to describe.

Part I:

My mother, father, and my brother are devout Methodist Christians. I was until around the age of 13, though I had been harboring disagreements with what I was being told in church for years before that. I refused to be confirmed at whatever age that was supposed to happen. My parents were fine with this. However they made me go to church every week still. I soon rejected Christianity(I think around the age of 15). I need to backtrack a little, as it is extremely relevant. In eighth grade, I developed a medical condition, which has since been properly diagnosed as Myoclonic Dystonia, but was misdiagnosed at the time, and I thus had a bone removed from my foot, which did not fix the problem. I am now 18. Ever since, I have been in near constant pain, and aggravated by tics from the myoclonus part of the dystonia. Both necessitating me to take heavy medication. Initially, my rejection of Christianity stemmed from my disagreements with things preached by the Bible and those who embraced the Bible, and my resentment against God for giving me this ailment. With the Bible stuff I just mentioned, I did not believe in a discriminatory God, who punished homosexuals for embracing their sexuality, and I did not believe that there was only one 'correct' religion. In the last quarter of my freshman year, I was home schooled, due to medical issues, and one of my tutors was a nice Catholic woman, who went to church every day. She taught me bio. I would talk to her a lot about religion, and the stuff that was happening to me, and I asked her why God would do this to me, or allow this to happen to me, and much worse things to other people, and she insinuated that God may be using me as an example. This pissed me off. I floated around religiously, for about two years, between (none of this is a joke) wicca, rastafarianism, atheism, and agnosticism, then back to atheism. About two years ago, I had been wallowing in depression, and suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt, I bounced back momentarily, but then started falling back into the same mind state, when by chance I came upon a simple phrase, a teaching of Buddhism, that attachment is the cause of all suffering. This was the truest thing I had ever read, and helped me start to let go of the things that were causing me intense grief. I now consider myself for the most part, a devout Buddhist. I say 'for the most part' because my take on Buddhism is that it is a tool to help people find their own road to enlightenment, and the end of suffering. I am open with my family about this. My father and I had a great relationship(it's still good, but decaying), and he told me, with sincerity, that his greatest fear is that I will never be saved. It hurts him to know that I am not a Christian, but I think deep down he also thinks that I am either striving for attention, or lying, trying to be defiant, neither of which is the case. It hurts me to be forced by him to attend church services weekly. His contention is that I owe it to him because he pays for my college. Now granted, it is $42,000 a year. So I comply, but let him know my angst. I want to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with my father, without our religions having an impact on it.

Part II:

My personal philosophy, is above all, to come to peace, end suffering, fade away, etc, in enlightenment. However, I don't deny that God exists in any form that is perpetuated by modern religions, or otherwise. I do not worship God, though. I feel that I have no obligation to do so, that if I was created, it was knowing I had the potential for complete independent thought, so I should not be punished for it. I could ramble on, but basically, I believe that even if there is a God, I should not serve him/her. Is there a name for this?

Thanks