[JanelleBB7]

*Buzz I decided not to post this in the Novemeber Low content because it doesn't really fit there and also it probably doesn't fit here... most likely it is something for ElDiablo but I prefer to put it here because I don't know those people.*

In advance I am warning you this will be very long and contain little Omaha content, but as poker players we are more than just the game itself and the strategies that we learn. Our lives can influence how we play as poker players. No matter how much we try to separate our emotions from the game, they are a part of it. I find that my playing is deeply affected by my emotions and my self perception.

I have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions in a relatively short period of time (3 months). Poker is like a really passionate relationship. You sometimes are deeply in love with it, but you're always on the verge of saying you never want to see it again. You want to run from it because you can see how much it has consumed you and how it affects the very way you feel and perceive yourself. If you are having a really good session you feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can touch you, you are invinciable, and the next minute through a series of bad beats you despise yourself and doubt yourself and think everything that can go wrong will go wrong. It is a horrible gut wrenching feeling, and when you are in it all you want is for it to stop and to be replaced by the love you feel when you are raking in pots.

I am pretty sure you all have felt this and are currently experiencing one of the two polar opposite feelings.

So on to my story and how I have come to the decision to take a break for the holidays.

This has been a very difficult week for me just from a personal stand point. My boyfriend’s mother found out two weeks ago that she has breast cancer. My boyfriend, of course, is upset about this and so is his family. Since I have a good relationship with them it has affected me too emotionally. I made the difficult decision to come and help the family while she is going through this which has made things stressful between me and my Dad. Even though my Dad understands the need for me to help out, he is not happy about my decision to move in with my boyfriend. My boyfriend lives in an apartment above the shop his parents run their business out of, so by living there I am close and can help take his mother to the hospital for treatments and help the business.

Now this is affecting my poker because I am tired and stressed at the end of the day. I have noticed that I am making a lot more errors than usual. I have been misreading hands, making sloppy plays, and at times tilting for no reason.

I built up this excitement for FTOPS all week. I even made sure I had proper rest and nutrition, but the game went so horribly wrong that there was nothing I could do to prevent busting out (except rebuying but I set a limit). When I lost, I was just so fustrated and disappointed with myself that I was overcome with emotion. Then just to make things worse, this guy I had played against in the qualifier shows up in observer chat (stalker) and insults me by saying that he saw that I had busted out of the tournament and preceeded to tuant me. Now this guy had played horrible in the qualifier with me so it isn’t that I had any respect for his opinion, but I was already on the verge of tears and he actually makes this comment in the chatbox. “I bet you cried when you went out.” The strange irony is I did start balling. I had to quickly leave my computer go to the bathroom and started crying my eyes out. I didn’t want Jason to see me sitting at the computer balling my eyes out because I knew he would say I should quit playing poker if it gets me that emotionally worked up.

I never flat out balled my eyes out while playing, but I do get very emotional when things go badly and it can be extremly positive or bad, like in this case where I just balled my eyes out.

I know some of you are thinking that there is no crying in poker, but I disagree. Maybe you guys don’t actually start balling but emotionally the result is the same. You may get angry or depressed or whatever feeling overcomes you and makes you feel miserable.

So today after the FTOPS and after balling in the bathroom for 15 minutes, I came back thought I was calm and could play again, but I started to tilt and play poorly and it came to me that I really need to take a break. I am not emotionally in the right place to play right now. I will end up losing my whole bankroll if I don’t stop myself.

My life is not like it was when I was making big profits. There has been a big traumatic shift. I am not able to do whatever I want whenever I want like in September and October. I have a lot of demands on me now that go beyond myself. I haven’t had this kind of responsibility and pressure before and it is taking a toll. It has only been two weeks but it is already too much.

I also realized it is just going to get worse with the holidays approaching. My relatives will be coming and there is a whole set of dynamics there waiting to explode. I know I am not the only one going through these types of issues. Maybe there is someone else that is having these complications and it is reflecting in their game and maybe by writing this you will also realize it is time for a break.

I plan to focus on trying to take care of my personal life 1st and poker will be there when I get things under control. My main fear is that it may take a while to get things under control. I am not sure. I haven’t had to deal with this much all at once.

Dealing with school (finals coming up), my bf’s sick mother, my bfs emotional needs as he currently feels neglected, my father’s displeasure at my leaving home, and now the holiday’s and my dysfunctional parts of the family all in one place at one time.

My cousin who I haven’t spoken to in about 6 years is coming with her son and she has been so nasty to me and everyone else in the family. I am not sure why she is coming, but the last time I had to share a room with her she almost beat the hell out of me, and so I am REALLY not looking forward to her visit. She has some serious rage issues and for some reason really despises me.

Ugh, so I am taking a break and plan not to play any serious poker until after the whole holiday season. Maybe just play the weekly beginners games which have zero stress involved and are virtually free games.

In my spare time, I thought maybe I will just actually study what I have done to this point and learn and prepare for when I am in the right emotional place to play again. Maybe someone else feels this way and this will inspire then to take a break… step away and recenter yourself as a poker player. Take this time to get things worked out at home and use your spare time that you may want to play poker to just study poker and go over what you have been doing and reevaluate.

Sorry this all went on forever but I am really over come with emotion and I just needed to pour it all out.