[Matt Flynn]

My brother-in-law has always wanted to skydive. So we got him one for Christmas. My wife asked if I wanted to go. I said, "Hell no." I do not want to spend the last 40 seconds of my life thinking 'Why the hell did I jump out of an airplane?' And I want to avoid that situation more than 15,600 times the thrill of skydiving (the reported risk of fatality is about 1 in 15,600).

"So how about YOU go and I'll be the single parent."

She didn't want to either.

So, Saturday my brother-in-law and I went skydiving. He flew down from Massachusetts, we played in the local Friday night tournament, I bubbled, we woke up slightly hungover and headed to Carolina Sky Sports about 30 miles away.

We are escorted to Briefing Room 1 by Frauline Paula where we are to watch a video. The bulletin board says "Expect to be in this room 3-4 hours." Kevin says "3-4 hours? F*** skydiving!" The video comes on. Bill somebody-or-other, a dude with an abnormally long beard who appears in shorts and long white tube socks, identifies himself as the chute designer and video host for our tour of "The Document," which forfeits all rights in the event of becoming a human cow pie. He looks like a backup singer for ZZ Top. Or a cult leader.

Me: "Did you bring your $5 and bandana?"

Kevin: "You have to ride in front, but you'll make a fine strap-on."

Etc.

So, after 8 minutes of videop and 5 minutes of signing our lives away, we're ready to dive. Ah but there's just one issue. We're on wind delay.

Here's the drill. Every half hour they tell us the status of the howling wind. We spend 4.5 hours in this waiting room waiting for the wind to unwind. At one point, we head to Louisburg to this Fifties-style cafe. On entering, we are enthusiastically greeted by two waiters, one cook, and the guy washing the dishes in the back. Huh. Not sure how to take that. We get the royal treatment, burgers to go, and the waitress even holds the door open for us on the way out. The food kind of sucks, but it's the best service I've ever received in a cheap joint if you exclude the blackjack pits in Tunica.

We are bored as hell, so they put on a skydiving movie. Gene Hackmen comes on. Excellent. The movie mirrors the tedium of waiting for skydiving with excruating precision. Clearly, someone had the bright idea of filming a few skydives and making a movie out of it. That's the last 5 minutes. The rest of the movie is C-grade dialog and dozens of shots of Manly Man considering his Possible Fate as a skydiver. The irony of waiting interminably for the wind to die down so we can skydive while watching an interminable movie that supposedly ends in skydiving is not lost on us.

"Well, they did say 3-4 hours."

"True."

We bail. Next morning is Easter. 10am sharp we're at Carolina Sky Sports. 10:15 we're getting rigged up. I get John. John is very professional and kind of serious. Kevin gets the other guy, didn't hear his name. We suit up, review the drill. There is a lot of drill. We don't spend much time drilling, so clearly John will beat me into unconsciousness and land us if there are any issues. I immediately like John for not taking [censored] from his loads.

We hop in. Several skydivers climb in behind us. We take off. The pilot forgets to close the tail door. This is effing cool. John keeps asking me how I'm doing. I'm fine, but feel like I'm disappointing him that I'm not nervous. I briefly consider a courtesy puke, but it's just not in me.

John runs through Procedure efficiently. He tells me, does it, then tells me what we did. We get strapped together. John has the parachutes. I got four clips holding me to John. He goes through the 100-point checklist like a pilot.

Meanwhile, Other Guy clips onto Kevin and says, "Dude we're gonna fall out of an airplane! Gravity'll do all the work!" That's it.

Both teaching styles have their benefits.

Another guy in red asks me permission to fall with John and I. Clearly he is doing an eval. on John. No problem, because John will just knock him out too if there are any problems. Plus these guys are all right.

We are 14,000 feet up. Up to the ledge. Yes, it's a long way down. We jump, pulling into a backflip and settling face down. Skydiving rocks. Two seconds pass. Wind blows up my leather bitch helmet. Skydiving is extremely [censored] cold. John taps my shoulder, the signal for me to go arms out. I drop my right arm and we do a hard 360 to the right, lining up facing Red. Awesome. Drop the left, we do a hard 360 left and end up facing Red. Red eases up, gives me the thumbs up and a handshake. Awesome.

My right eardrum blows out. Big [censored] hole too. Awesome.

John pulls the chute. So far we've been dragging a small chute called a drobe. That keeps us down to 120mph instead of 200mph. When John releases the chute, the drobe is let loose briefly. We drop fast. Then the chute catches, and it hauls hard. The gear is well designed, since it is almost impossible to catch a nut. Catching a nut under that would be horrifying.

And then, the scariest part of the trip happens. John loosens my straps.

Holy [censored]! John, I'm sorry man, just knock me out or something. I didn't mean to blow an eardrum. But, it's all Procedure.

We do two hard turns, and I'm surpised how much centripetal force it generates. Then we float donw for a few minutes, a long flight.

The landing is smooth, touch down and fall on your hip. No problem. Unhook and there you go. I have skydived.

If my eardrum does not heal, I'll have surgery in a few weeks. They'll probably repair it with fascia, in which case I'll be able to skydive again. If instead it heals, my skydiving career is over.

btw my life did not change. People whose life changes when they skydive are shallow and annoy the [censored] out of me.


P.S. Oh yeah this is a discussion forum. So someone hijack this thread with something interesting. Or better, post pics of you skydiving.