[Troll_Inc]

once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

-Mike Haven recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-If you can see Mike Haven, he can see you. If you can't see Mike Haven you may be only seconds away from death.


-The chief export of Mike Haven is pain.

-Mike Haven' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Mike Haven once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

-When Mike Haven plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

-Mike Haven does not sleep. He waits.

-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Mike Haven' fist.

-What was going through the minds of Mike Haven' victims before they died? His shoe.

-Mike Haven affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

-If you spell Mike Haven in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

-The following is a short list of things Mike Haven cannot do: .

-If you make a list of 10 things Mike Haven cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

-Mike Haven once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

-Mike Haven does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Mike Haven goes killing.

-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mike Haven.

-Mike Haven can slam revolving doors.

-The Big Bang was actually Mike Haven roundhouse kicking God in the face.

-Mike Haven has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

-Mike Haven Isn't funny, stop laughing.

-Mike Haven has an unbeatable poker face, concealed beneath an even more unbeatable poker beard.

-While a normal poker face conceals the emotion of its wearer, Mike Haven’s poker face skips all that and just drives other players insane. As a result, the only way to survive a game of poker against Mike Haven is to play online, and even then you still might go insane.


-When Mike Haven sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Mike Haven has not had to pay taxes ever.

-Mike Haven was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

-Q: What’s 30 times Mike Haven?
A: Oblivion.

-Mike Haven doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

-In conversation, Mike Haven often quotes himself, and then laughs about it.

-Mike Haven has counted to infinity. Twice.

-February 29th only occurs once every four years because Mike Haven wills it to be so.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Mike Haven allows to live.

-Mike Haven really likes the movie 101 Dalmatians. No one knows why.

-Mike Haven once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mike Haven could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-There’s an old Mike Haven saying: “He who has the Mike Haven makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Mike Haven.

-When Mike Haven falls in water, Mike Haven doesn't get wet. Water gets Mike Haven.

-Mike Haven CAN believe it's not butter.

-A man stopped Mike Haven on the street and asked him to list 100 Mike Haven facts. Unamused, Mike Haven raised one eyebrow with such force that the man disintegrated.

-Mike Haven is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-Mike Haven once picked a fight with a duck. The duck turned out to have several 10th degree blackbelts, and was the most formidable adversary Mike Haven ever faced. Funny how random the universe can be.

-When Mike Haven does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

-Mike Haven can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

-There are no steroids in baseball, just players Mike Haven has breathed on.

-If at first you don't succeed, you're not Mike Haven.