Re: Critique My Personal Statement
Do you have a real-life friend who's a good writer? In addition to any changes to the substance, this piece needs some fairly heavy stylistic work, and I don't think you'll get the level of feedback you need from a message board. In general, it seems overwordy and awkwardly phrased. I get the impression that you're not very comfortable writing this stuff. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but I think a good editor who's willing to help you through a couple drafts of this will help you polish it up.
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