[Blarg]

I think the last point is very important. Harping too much on family makes it sound like whatever happens, you can be the one counted on to go home first and leave your buddies and patients in the lurch, and that your job and studies will always be a perhaps distant second to what you really care about in life. That's the tone you hit when you propose marriage maybe, not when you are looking to be admitted to a school or hired for a job. As Fulcanelli notes, the importance of family is self-evident, so your harping on it sounds like you are sending out a warning sign. This is not the place for more than an artful passing mention.

You should also find a through-line to your story and stick to it. Reading a short piece that is meant to sell something, in this case, yourself, should be like a quick slip down a slide. At most a curve is okay, but no cul de sacs and never any doubt about where you will end up and when. Your piece has its energies scattered about a bit. Example:

[ QUOTE ]
It was then, knowing I would be able to dedicate myself to my family that I was completely at peace with my decision.

The following December I graduated from college. This was one of the first periods of my life that I was unsure of what career path I wanted to choose.

[/ QUOTE ]

These two things can be read as almost immediately contradicting yourself. You're unsure, then you're sure. Then you're unsure again and remind us that it's not the first time. And this immediately after your pleasing note of certainty and confidence. It doesn't make you sound like your head is on straight, whether for this essay or your life.

The ping-ponging of emphasis in your second paragraph, between daughter and medicine, is distracting and unsatisfying too. The first and second paragraphs share much of the same subject matter, but the part about your interest in being a doctor is unpleasingly chopped up and spread around between them. Get back to the smooth slide.

There is the occasional poor construction/sloppy phrasing too: "I had devoted much of my extra time talking to and learning the profession of medical doctor". Did you really talk to the profession of medical doctor? Because that doesn't mean anything. Yet you chose that construction. If nothing else, this shows that you need to take more time or get a better writer to help you out or both.

In general, it sounds like you wanted to become a pharmacist as a sort of also-ran career, perhaps of someone who set his sights low and/or let his problems with birth control precipitately alter and eventually run his life. Of the low goals you set yourself, it could be interpreted that this one was the most acceptable to you and your doctor-heavy family. Not exactly glorious. What you probably want instead is to make it sound like pharmacy is what you like for the career itself, not because it will fit into your daycare schedule or because it sure sounded better than selling cars for the rest of your life, or your wife won't put up with anything else or it's the only thing you can afford. Put some romance into it.

Whenever you apply for an admission, make it sound like being accepted is your number one goal in life, and to THIS college rather than another. Mention specifics of the program, contrasting to alternatives offered elsewhere if possible, that seem especially wise in your humble estimation, practical for the real world, and just up your alley in relation to your long-term goals. Note that getting into this particular school and profession is all part of a great life plan you are thrilled to death about and taking active steps to start already. Take out all slouchy language and meandering delivery and sell sell sell.

This is your LIFE we are talking about. Sound excited about it, completely focused, and show you are thinking of the future, not just your present struggles or the past.