My life is over.
It suddenly hit me. My life is over!
I'm a coward too. I have been posting in these forums for years and I have to create a new account to tell my story.
I'm 52 years old and I have played poker for the past 10 years. I'm not the best player in the world, not the worst either and a small bankroll has allowed me to make a nice income year after year.
I was married once. That was before I played poker and had a boring life. Then we each went our way and life sucked for a while.
After that poker begun and after a few months I had a nice life again. Lots of free time, no commitments (no children) and money enough.
Then a year ago I met this woman, fell in love and she moved in. It was nice to begin with and I didn't play that much poker. We travelled a lot, enjoyed life, had no worries. Needless to say all expenses were on me. That hit the BR badly. After that, she quit her lousy job and just hang around at home. It was nice for a month or two, but it was difficult to concentrate while playing. She kept disturbing, talking to me, playing loud music, turning the television on and as we live in a small condo it was impossible to have some peace of mind. Of course I begun losing. I had my first losing month ever and had to step down in limits. Next month same story.
Now I get worried. My BR is not what it has been, I have to play much more as I stepped down in limits again and I start worrying about money. For the first time in years I begin not paying my bills in time, I have to sell my car as I cannot afford it anymore and my stress level is way up there.
You would think I would have had a long conversation with this woman; explained to her how important it is that I have tranquility while I play, also because it is our only income, and you would have been right. I had not one, but 20 talks with her and she keeps interrupting my play. Now she just says "oops, sorry, I forgot" clearly showing she doesn't take me seriously.
I'm also a wimp. I know she is destroying me, every little thing she does while I play now bothers me; not because it should, but because I keep thinking she doesn't respect my work and that alone keeps my mind busy, far away from the important decisions at the tables. And I keep losing. I know I should ask her to leave but I can't. Despite all this I love her.
This last month has been the worst ever. I have practically no BR anymore, have several unpaid bills and no joy at playing anymore. I have lost patience at the tables, keep hoping for that big pot that will make my day in 5 minutes and because of this, often imagine it is there, just to realize that once again, my buy in is gone. It doesn't even matter anymore, I now play so low limits that I don't even take poker seriously anymore.
Life stinks and on top of that I start realizing that I am not that young anymore, that I won't be able to do anything else for a living, that there are a million things I want to do, a million places I want to go to and I have no energy left for all that. Soon I will be too old to do anything but I allready feel that way. I am very, very depressed.
I know that most of you are having a great time playing poker, like I used to have, that life is sweet and that these kind of posts are not what you are looking for but I had this need to tell somebody, to get it out. Where I live, I have nobody to talk about these things, they will just say that it is my own fault for waisting my life playing poker and bla bla bla....
I know I can rebuild a BR. I have done it hundreds of times in my life. I just don't feel like it anymore.
Thank you for listening [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]
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