***MISH MASH NEWS FLASH***
3 AM. August 24th, 2106. Channel 61.
Hello, this is Chuck Norris. I'm here to tell you about an amazing fitness breakthrough called the Total Gym. I began using Total Gym over 20 years ago. I witnessed firsthand what a tremendous difference this machine makes to anyone who wants to build muscle, lose weight, boost cardio endurance, and increase overall fitness. I won't use any other product in my home!
Really, it's an amazing machine. For a few small payments, you'll receive the Total Gym AND my how-to guide containing 30 different exercises you can do at home!
Come with me, and Christine and I will show you how the Total Gym really works. Ready, Christine?
Christine?
Darling?
Oh god... oh god...
Jesus, Christine... no... WHO DID THIS? Did you see NO ONE? It's a [censored] television infomercial set, there has to be at least twenty people here, no one knows what [censored] happened?
Calm down? I am calm. This is Chuck being calm. Goddammit, I AM CALM, I am [censored] CALM Christine, I'm gonna find them. I'm gonna find them, Christine.
...Christine, where's your ring?
They killed you and they took your ring. Jesus. They killed you...
No, you get out of MY WAY. DAMMIT, I'm [censored] CHUCK NORRIS, get the [censored] out of my way! No one gets in my WAY! I'M GOING TO FIND THEM! I'M GOING TO --
Total Gym Direct is experiencing technical difficulties. Please, stand by for an announcement from OxyClean!
***MISH MASH NEWS FLASH***