[IlliniLou]

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There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.

One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke. Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aardvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobody's surprise (except Juan), he won by a LANDSLIDE!

Juan was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best. And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again. His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer.

So they had an election for President. 'Hey, how about Juan?' Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had won by a LANDSLIDE!

The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbyists want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that! Arrgh!

Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars and the aardvark rushed to the hospital. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.

The firing squad levied their guns at him.

'Ready.......'

'Aim.........'

Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, and instantly killed Juan with a golf gun!

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what ... the .. hell ..... [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]