[Nezzar]

Hi,

in september i won 29 session out of 30. I made over 700K that month.

At the begining of october i lost 500K in five days.

after my first session I was so tired and exhausted that I only made it to my sofa in the living room and collapsed.
when i woke up I immediatly started playing again. After the second session i warmed a piece of garlic bread in the oven and managed to eat half of it before i again collapsed on the sofa...

Third day I ate the rest of the garlic bread in front of the computer while losing again. after my third session i watched some simpsons in my sofa before i fell asleep.

Fourth day i actually ate breakfast, took a shower and made some coffe before i started to play. I lost again and some hours before i made it to my sofa I got a call from the site I play at. "its not your night? is it?" the man said. They recommended that i would call it a night and stop playing. Do you think i listened?

On the fith day i immediatly went online and played. Now i had started to get really depressed... i felt so bad inside but i just couldnt stop playing. I thought of my parents who doesnt have alot of money and my sister who is going to a school in london which isnt supported by the swedish student loan thing so she has to struggle hard to afford to go there... I lost this session also.

But now i left before i was tired and sleepy and watched simpsons for the rest of the night and morning. How wonderful the simpson life seem. I watched simpsons for at least 6 hours... They gave me such comfort. I spent the whole weekend wacthing simspons without playing poker.

finally it was a new week... in the morning the girl that cleans my appartment came and said i looked like [censored]. "yeah i feel like [censored] also" i said. she made me shower and shave myself, then she took me for lunch. When we stepped out in the sunlight i was blinded. I hadnt seen daylight for a week. She took my arm and led me towards lunch. I heard all these people walking, talking, going on with their daily lives as i was walking... the sounds were a strange but welcomed noise and i finally got my eyes adjusted and saw all these poeple! amazing!

after we had lunch i felt a little better. I called all the friends i had and talked to them. Telling them about what had happend and such. i felt a little better.

Then my room m8 who had been in dublin for the week came back. we went to play tennis and then hit the gym. I felt better. but still, i was deppressed.

When i finally started to play again i won. but i was very afriad when i played. my confidence was shattered. i wondered if i had just been lucky to make it where i am. VARIANCE. what a dreadful word. I hate it. anyway i won again, small but i won. i went down in stakes and started playing 10-20 NL. it felt ok. i still played 50-100 but didnt dare to play too long...


Do you remember the first time you got your ass kicked in a fight? I was 16 and the guy was 20. He was looking for a fight... challenging me with words. I was drunk so i challenged him back. I had friends watching me. I took my jacket of and raised my fist. he stood in front of me with his hands to his sides. Then suddenly my eybrow exploded and i was lying on the ground with him standing over asking if i wanted more...

Before it happend to me i had a innocent feeling, a sense of immortality. After that my spirit had been broken.

another time when there was trouble at the club/disco people came and asked me for my help. I was so embarrassed from the first time that i came and fought their fight for them to restore my pride, even though i was afraid of getting my ass kicked. this time the guy broke my nose with three head-butts.

after this i started to get catuios and when someone bumbed in to me on the dancefloor i just moved away. When someone tried to get me to fight i just walked away or tried to calm him. i was tired of confrontations. if the guy is bigger than u he usally wont back down and will fight u, if the guy is smaller than u he usally wont fight u.. in some cases he gets his "big firend", though...

Anyway the same thing has happend in poker now. im afraid to loose money when i play. not so much as it was at first though... but im afraid. Im afraid i will start a session and not be able to quit. I have a really hard time quiting when im down and i dont think i have quit when im down ever before... I have always played until im even or the table breaks or if i have some really important meeting in my schedule.

anyway i got way off why i began writting in the first place... When you lose and lose and lose, have you ever been so deppressed that you wanna kill yourself?

I had some really dark thoughts during those five horrendous days.
I didnt reach the level of actually considering suicide but i wonder how far away i was?
If i had lost all i had would i actually consider suicide? Probably not.
Would i think the thought? Yes, Probably.

Anyway its just money, right? [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Now i feel much better especially since i have just come from a nice 70K win session. But im still afraid and my confidence and spirit is still broken, but its on recovery. [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]