[stonescar]

I'm pretty much a lurker, so I don't know who would want to listen to me moaning, but whatever, i'm to [censored] emo to care.

I've had a great relationship for a little less than 5 years now, lived together for 2 years until this summer, I pretty much love this girl to death. I moved to another city late august to pursue my goal of becoming a jazz musician, studying at the best school in my country. We had a great understanding before this, and we both wanted me to move and keep seeing each other all the time. We are both studying to become musicians, so she was glad on my behalf, and I would never ask her to move away from what was the best place for her at the time.

Now I'm on a visit at our old place, to be with her for the weekend, after having a really busy couple of months for both of us. I just arrived 6 hours ago, and it's been the worst 6 hours of my life. I've always been very emotional, and I confronted her with the lack of affection she had been showing the last weeks, we talked on the phone maybe 1-2 times a week, and she didn't really say she missed me. To be fair, she has had a lot of work to do, and I really didn't confront her in a hostile way, I just expressed that I've had a rough time missing her so much and not recieving any signs of that from her. She said she was aware, and sorry, and that she wanted to include me more on a daily basis. However I sensed something wasn't right, and for the first time in a long time I managed to get her to open up completely to me, and she surprised herself by saying "I think you love me more than i love you".

She does really love me, although not in the romantical sense as of recently, and really had a hard time saying this. She had been living in denial, trying to provoke her own feelings for me, because she really wanted it to work out, but it turns out that love has faded. She's been kind of acting for the last part of our relationship, hoping for it to pass, without really admitting it to herself.

I feel like [censored]. I care so much about this girl that I don't know what to do, she's probably my best friend as well, and that just makes it worse. Conflicting thoughts, feelings and pain makes my stomach want to leap out of my mouth. I had no idea how much a broken heart could physically hurt. On top of that I've grown close to her family, and I don't want to let any of this go.

I'm staying with her until monday. Then it's off to Paris for a week before returning to my exile in the other town. She told me she didn't want to try to fix this now, as she's afraid she'll fool herself again, and she's tired of trying to provoke feelings, and I respect that. I'm so torn up inside. I love her so much I just want her to be happy, but I would give anything for her love, and at the same time I'm terrified of losing her friendship. She's here for me now, as a best friend, and I want her comfort, but it's so painful. Roller coaster of feelings. I'm such a mess now.

I haven't found the strength to tell my best friends and family yet, will do it in the morning. God, time is passing so horribly slow at the moment. I wish I could just go to sleep, but I can't, and I'm so much not looking forward to waking up tomorrow. I haven't eaten since breakfast, but I instantly lost all appetite, I can't even finish my beer. I think I'll take a shot at some of the good whiskey I left behind when I moved. I almost wish I won't wake up tomorrow. (No, I'm not going to do anything rash). And man, how I wish my best buds were living in this city. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, I just had to get it out somehow...