[youtalkfunny]

I was in the delivery room. What a horrible custom that is. I'd much rather live in the "Father's Waiting Room" era.

C-section, wife is out cold. I'm standing next to her head, video camera in hand. That's another stupid custom. I refuse to watch the video. I didn't even want to bring a camera, but everyone urged me to, so I did. I didn't bring any cameras for subsequent visits to the delivery room.

I was working at the IP sportsbook at the time, and it's the day after the Superbowl, so the entire video is the doctor and I talking about prop bets.

Finally, I hear a "squish, plop!" noise. The kid is out.

And she's not crying.

Uh-oh.

Nobody on the staff sounds panicked, but their body language has changed completely. We've gone from "routine" to "urgent" without anyone saying a word.

The head nurse has the kid, and is walking quickly over to the "clean the baby up" table. The kid lets out a half-hearted welp, which I decide is better than nothing. And I catch a glimpse of my daughter for the first time: she's blue.

I can't remember exactly what happened next. Bottom line is, she had a partially collapsed lung. They got her breathing, and everything was fine within minutes.

That fear of the kid potentially being in harm's way that DB mentioned--I got to feel that when she was two seconds old. Abject terror.

I wasn't at the hospital when my second kid was born. I can't remember why not, but I got there when it was all over. Instead of a blue kid, this time we got a yellow one (jaundice). "She's in the nursery. They have her in one of those glass cases, under UV lights, to treat the jaundice."

Down to the nursery I go. I find the glass case with the lights. There's my little girl. They have a blindfold on her, to protect her eyes from the lights. And they have her hands tied behind her back, so she doesn't tug at the blindfold.

Somebody could've taken a minute, and prepared me for that sight. I became completely unglued for a few minutes.

Third kid, third color: pink. Healthy! About damn time.

At that point, we quit while we were ahead.

(This thread where men talk about their feelings strikes me as very un-macho. My father would not approve.)