[ludacris]

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probably also standard

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I was at a kegger with a few of my friends. Lotsa dudes, few brauds, angry mob repeatedly flipping a car over... that kind of scene. Even though we didn't know anybody, we somehow managed to commandeer the kegs, and serve our friends exclusively (this ALWAYS happens at keggers we attend, and results in numerous brawls).

So a wasted looking girl (hot, albeit semi-trashy) approaches us wanting to do a kegstand. My buddy P says "Right this way" and puts his arm around her. She recoils immediately with an outraged look on her face and says "Excuse me!? Are you touching me!?'. So we start laughing and call her a [censored] and she storms off.

Five minutes later a surly, white-trash looking dude saunters up to me and smiles, asking 'How ya doing buddy?' Predictably, he punches me in the face before he's even finished his sentence. My buddy P immediately decks him and he goes down hard. We both jump on him and start pummelling him mercilessly, and it's then that I hear the sweetest sound I've heard in a long while: his girlfriend (the trashy braud, who obviously put him up to it) screaming 'No!'.

Unfortunately, I soon learn where this guy got the courage to approach us: no less than every male in sight then converges on us. At least 30-40 people. We try to fight our way through the crowd, but before it gets bad for us, the owners (even though they're friends with the guy we just pummeled) get in the middle and break up the fight.

Now's where the confession part comes in. We're about to leave unscathed and extremely lucky when the [censored] comes back and asks me 'What I got now', and I just can't take it... I spit a massive loogie directly in her face. She slaps me hard and I fly into an uncontrollable rage. Even though I know my friends and I will all get badly hurt if I do anything, I can't overcome the sheer hatred I feel towards her. I openhand her directly across the jaw and she does a half backflip and slumps awkwardly to the floor, unconscious.

So of course her brother is there too, and immediately charges at me with an aluminum Louisville Slugger, swingly wildly at my head. While I'm frantically dodging the bat everyone (including the owners who just saved us before) converges on me, trying to hold me down. I fight like an absolute animal, desperately trying to save my life, gouging eyes, elbowing people in the face and throat. The guy with the bat absolutely smokes his friend by accident, dropping him like a bag dirt, and I manage to escape and run out to the street and start running like [censored]. I look around and realize that NONE of my friends have made it. I stand still for a second, knowing I have to go back, but dreading it. But obviously I gotta do it, so I curse myself and charge back towards the kegger.

Meanwhile my friends are brawlling their way out onto the street, with both sides using more bottles than fists. My one buddy M falls and starts getting pounded but before I can get to him this huge fat guy starts choking me. His buddies are trying to punch me but he's so fat that they can't get a shot in. I want to laugh, but instead just struggle to gasp for air.

As I'm about to pass out, I see a bright light shining from behind the fat guy choking me. All his buddies yell something and run off the road, and the fat guy lets go of me and ponderously turns around to see what's happening. In my dazed state I see the light bearing down on us, and just manage to dive out of the way. The fat guy is obviously not going anywhere fast, and the light (which is of course my friend R in his car) plows into him at like 40 mph, sending him rolling over the hood and off the side of the car. R hits several more people and then peels off at high speed and I have a sinking feeling like he just left us to die.

Fortunately, the shock generated by R accelerating his car into a crowd of people causes a break in the fighting, allowing my friends break free and start sprinting away. I stand up and watch what looks like a scene out of cartoon, and my three friends are desperately running from a massive mob with whiskey bottles and bats and rocks being hurled at them. I get up at start running too, but there's no one chasing me becase they're trying to ressucitate the fat guy. I trample over a couple people who are moaning on the ground from being run over. I look back and see a bottle hit P in the back of the head and he goes down. I can't imagine going back to get him because by now these people want to KILL US more than anything in the world, but nonetheless my other two friends stop to drag him to his feet.

Just as the mob converges on them and I contemplate one final epic charge to death and glory, R's car comes screaming back down the road at like 80 mph. Everybody starts running and screaming in terror and he pulls a James Bond 180 hand brake slide, stops in front of us, and yells 'Get in' out of the open window. My three friends and I jump in the car and peel the [censored] out of there.

We turn on to a main street, and two minutes later see a line of cop cars and a couple ambulances screaming down towards the party. Our car's windshield is cracked and the left mirror is broken off, but nobody pulls us over and we escape with no consequences.

A part of me feels bad for knocking out that girl, but she was such a [censored] and I hated so much that I wouldn't really do anything differently if given the chance. So there's my confession, along with a (hopefully) entertaining story.

CLIFF NOTES: Trash-ho gets insulted by my friends and I, and sends her boyfriend to fight us. We tune him up, but are jumped by 30-40 people. Just when the fight is about to break up without us being seriously hurt, ho asks me 'What I got now' and I spit in her face and openhand her, leaving her unconscious. A massive brawl ensues, her brother tries to beat me with a Lousiville slugger, my friends all get bottled and gangbeat. One friend escapes and plows his car into a crowd of people, saving us.

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this is so awesome. I'm gonna write a movie and this will be a scene in the movie.