[4_2_it]

OP,

Would it help if you laid out an endgame for your wife? Something like, we do this until old kid is 18 and then he is gone. At that time either Mom has cleaned up and can take younger kid, some one else steps up or he goes to foster care. Not an ideal solution for either her or the kids, but it's not unreasonable and you could hardly be considered callous or selfish by taking that approach (or working out something similar).

Sounds like you and your wife need some alone time to reconnect. When is the last time you took a vaction with just her?